you were warned

I have been contemplating writing a blog for so long I might as well say forever. Normally I'm funny. I mean like stand up comedian, definitely "NickMom Night Out" funny material. Ya know what I'm gonna go out on a limb and own it. I'm a f*cking riot especially if there is vodka involved. And it comes naturally. My witty sarcastic humor is the one thing I really love about me. So it figures that I would finally get my ish together to start this blogging thing just in time for everyone else I know to decide it's their time to blog too, and simultaneously lose my mojo. Lately the funny I used to see in everything just escapes me. So here goes... this is not going to be my finest piece of reading material. Should you continue after this point and make it all the way to the end only to stop and think "what the f*ck was that?" come on back to this sentence and remember that you were forewarned. This is going to be more reflective of my current mental state which at the moment feels overly exhausted, highly emotional, border line hysterical, bitch get some sleep and come to your senses before you type another word kind of reading material. And now that is two times you have been warned so I will say thanks for stopping by see you next time or welcome aboard this unstable roller coaster oh yeah and buckle up I'm not sure where the crazy train is headed at the moment. 

"I wish I was that asshole that gets really bad news and goes well that was sad and moves on." That was a text message I actually sent my mother. Yes my mother. My rock. The woman who brought me into this world and passed on much of her own neuroses to me. She is also at times probably more than she cares to be... my therapist. I unload so much crazy on this poor woman I often wonder at what point she will need to be medicated in order to take my phone calls. Anyway back to that text. I do. I wish I was that asshole. I am not. I think life for that asshole must be infinitely easier. I know that asshole. That kind of person easily makes up 90% of the population. If your reading this and think really?! I don't know anyone like that than it is probably you and you are just such an asshole you don't even know it. Or not. I could be way off. And of course I don't want to be an asshole. I also don't always want to be me all of the time. I am the person that gets bad news or even reads a sad story and gets stuck. Stuck in the sadness even if doesn't remotely directly affect me. I get stuck wondering why? How? Where is God? Is there a God? Where is my faith? Like Cindy Lou Who singing where are you Christmas... you get the picture. I don't get over things easily. At all. 

As my mind spirals one question that I always come back to is what is the meaning in all of this?  I believe in a higher being. The connectedness of all things. Coincidence is just a word we use to describe the mysterious alignment of happenings that are beyond what we can understand. Like a child never satisfied with the answer you have given them to unending question of why. I feel as though I am always longing for a better understanding, a more clear cut answer. I want to know/ hear X happend so Y could take place which both lead to Z which could not have been if the other two had not come together exactly when and the way they did. I want the missing puzzle pieces. A glimpse of the big picture. Which clearly is the opposite of faith. 

I want science. Minus the experiments, equations, and frog dissections. Maybe what I want is Scientology. I want something that I believe so strongly in it has me jumping on my couch like Tom Cruise on Oprah. Of course not so enthusiastic that I want to lock my wife away from the world. Which I wouldn't do anyway because I don't have a wife. Aaaaaand if my husband didn't work our car would get repossessed and our house foreclosed on. None of that sounds like anything I would want to sign up for. Maybe not scientology but I like what I feel that word sounds like it should mean (fact based religion) which is basically an oxymoron. 

I want this unpredictable sadness to not feel so random and yet undeniably strung together. I want to not take anything for granted. Which contradictory just the thought of that gives me anxiety. To not take anything for granted one would have to live with a hyper awareness of the ticking clock. The sand slipping through the hour glass. I want to take a zanax and chase it with a whipped cream vodka at the mere thought. I want to enjoy life and these beautiful miracles I have made with out worrying that it could all be over tomorrow, or next week, month, year. I want to not mourn the loss of a friend taken too early by the recklessness of that asshole that does something horrible and goes well that was bad and moves on. I want the world to make more sense. I desperately want faith.  I want my mojo back. I want to find the funny in the everyday stuff that makes up my life. I want to write about it....