It is 3:26 am and I have yet to get any sleep tonight. I can't seem to sit still long enough to close my eyes. Partly because I watched a YouTube of a c-section earlier in the day so I knew exactly what I was getting into and I am fearful of the nightmares it is going to give me. Everyone kept telling me it's the fear of the unknown that has me so on edge. I can now tell them they are wrong. It is for sure the fear of having my organs tossed on me after they cut my belly open to get you out while I am basically wide awake and paralyzed. The fear of the unknown was much better. Strangely enough compared to Aidan's delivery that still sounds like the better option. Maybe it's the trauma from that day that has me wide awake. I have been sitting here stroking Aidan's hair for hours. Thinking about how I almost died bringing him into the world. Thinking about his tiny unresponsive body on the day he was born. Thinking about the miracle it is that we are both here and healthy. God I am scared to death. What awful thoughts to be having hours before heading to the hospital to have another baby. But then I think of you and it calms me. You... the surprise of my life. I am so anxious to see your little face. I wonder if you will look like your brother. It won't be long now until you are in my arms instead of my belly. It so strange that in a few hours I will have to share you with the world. As much as I hate being pregnant there is something indescribable and overwhelmingly amazing about being the only person to truly know you. I would keep you all to myself forever if I could. Selfish as that sounds its true.
It's 3:46 am now. I have to wake your dad up in a 30 minutes. Before I do that I am going to put my make up on. Yup make up. I realize how vain that sounds and it is but if I am going to be terrified, naked, strapped to gurney paralyzed from the chest down in a room full of strangers at the very least I am going to look doing it. It would be pointless to try to sleep now anyways. So my love that is all... I will see you soon.
May 4, 2014
It is hard to believe I wrote that 3 years ago. My c section was flawless. Seark was perfect and so beautiful and chubby. He had the smallest quietest cry. Seark just like Aidan from the moment I laid eyes on him it was instalove. After everything that went wrong with Aidan's delivery I was so sure I was done having babies. So sure I was fine with that. Then he was here in my arms and I couldn't imagine that life could be any other way. This babe was meant for me. I was right where I was supposed to be with him in my arms. Strange how something you never knew you were missing could make you feel that much more complete.
The last three years have flown by. Everyday Seark makes me smile. Teaches me something new. Makes my heart swell. Reminds me that you never know where life it going to take you. Gives me faith that there is something bigger than us that blesses us with sweet surprises when we are least expecting them. Today we celebrate him.
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