Dr. Douchebag

Kids for the most part have no filter. Sometimes that can be a hilarious quality. Or embarrassing. And obnoxious. Aidan is famous for having no filter. At all. When he was little he would repeat everything that came out of my mouth at the most inappropriate time. He would repeat "grown up words" that I used in a completely wrong mostly hilarious way. I was never more aware of how much I cursed than when my son was repeating me. I talk like a truck driver. It is disgusting. I don't care. Douche bag is usually my go to when referring to well your typical douche bag. I used to call my obgyn Dr. Douchebag luckily he was cool with it. He knew the 2 hour wait in his office sucked that much that he warranted that name. My son probably heard me say douche bag a million times for a variety of reasons. Especially since my pregnancies were high risk and poor Aidan spent many hours waiting for Dr. Douchebag with me. I used it so much I should have known it was only a matter of time until he said it too. So we are shopping in home goods. At the time Aidan is oh about 3 years old. I am bent over trying on some cute BCBG summer wedges when I hear my sweet sweet boy say EWWWWWWWWWWW! I turned to see what happened. There was a woman standing less than a foot away from him. I said to Aidan what was that about? Clear as day. With the volume of a megaphone my 3 year old child announced in the middle of a crowded store... MA THAT LADY SMELLS LIKE A DOUCHE BAG! Oh the horror! The shame! I looked at the woman standing by Aidan and began some sort of nervous babbling apology. All I remember saying was "Oh my god I am so so so so SO SO SORRY! I don't know where he heard that word?! He doesn't even know what that means. I am so so so SORRY!" and I was sorry. Sorry that I had ever uttered that word in front of him. Sorry I was naïve enough to believe that telling a 3 year old that these are "grown up" words would at all deter him from saying them himself. I was also horrified. I totally looked like the face of a girl in an awful Lifetime movie. I stood there paralyzed in my horror and shame. I couldn't move. My mouth on the other hand wouldn't stop. Over compensation... the tell tale sign of guilt! Luckily she was just as embarrassed as me and she didn't need anytime at all to process the situation. Her fight or flight mode kicked right in and she bolted out of that store like Aidan looked at her and said... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE THIS STORE IS ON FIRE!!!!!
Kids will almost always with out hesitation tell you exactly what is on their mind. The other day we were in the mall. On line in Stride Rite waiting to pay. The woman in front of me turned around and said "Oh my your kids are so well behaved. Good job mom!" then she bent down to Seark's level and said what is your name handsome? Seark's response... not his name. That would have been way too ordinary. No. When complimented and asked his name my child responds "Ry just tarted... you smell dat?" accompanied by a maniacal laugh. I'd like to say I was mortified. I wasn't. There is not very much left that my kids do that carries any major shock value anymore. I just smiled and said his name is Seark and he is very amused by farts. I could see in her eyes she wanted take back her compliment from a few moments ago in the worst way. Seark's fart comment took her so off guard she didn't even make a comment about the name Seark and that never happens. Or maybe she did smell that and just wanted to get away from us. Ry can be pretty stinky.
So the moral of the story... if you are prone to potty mouth, try your best to be mindful of what you say in front of your little darlings. Not because hearing the occasional douche bag or whatever your favorite bad word is will damage them but because at some point they will repeat it too. Regardless of how awesome you are in every other aspect of parenting the minute your baby drops the f bomb in public... you suck. Why would I share a story that makes me look bad? Because let's face it we all have one. I don't curse (nearly as much as I used to) in front of my kids anymore. The important thing is we take our worst moments and let them make us better.
The moral of the second part of this story is kids really do have no filter. Brace yourself because your child's mouth will someday make you cringe. Just go with it. Follow up with something just as crazy and unfiltered. If nothing else you will get a good laugh... even if not in the moment I promise sometime down the road it will cross your mind and make you laugh your ass off. If someone asks what's so funny just tell them I am a mom... everything!