Is it possible for mom's to ever really have it all? I am a stay at home mom. Which is awesome. Hands down this motherhood thing is the best experience of my life. I always knew it would be. Always felt like I was meant to be a mom. I had my babies and from the moment they entered the world everything just felt right. When I gave birth to Aidan I was working a full time job that I had for almost 8 years. It paid well. Better than well. I had fantastic benefits. I liked what I did other than the long hours. I loved my boss and the girls that I worked with. I didn't even take maternity leave. I worked right up until the day my water broke. Just hours after giving birth I was on the phone with my job making sure things were taken care of since my leaving was sooner than expected. When I came home they set me up with a lap top and everything I would need to work from home until I could return to work. Before I had Aidan I thought I would work from home and that would be a piece of cake. The plan was to stay home for four months and then return.
The plan. That even sounds funny. This was my first baby I had no idea what I was in for. That I even thought I could maintain a preconceived plan makes me laugh now. Aidan never slept. Like EVER. I was breastfeeding which is a full time job in itself for the first few weeks. I had no time for a full time job at home other than being mom which was more than a full time job. If I thought I worked long hours at the office... well let's just say I didn't know what over time was until I became a mom. The 24 hour job with a boss that is a tyrant at only 10 pounds with no language skills. My work was piling up and Aidan didn't care. I could barely hear on the phone with him screaming so I rarely answered. From time to time I was supposed to stop at the office and check in with my boss. Feeling more overwhelmed than I ever had in my life and exhausted to the point I felt breakable I walked into my old place of work. An absolute disheveled mess. Baby on my hip. Laptop case hung on my shoulder and a mess of paperwork that hadn't been touched. I put it all on my bosses desk. He took one look at me and said "Your not coming back are you?" Defeated I said no. He laughed at me and said I knew it. I thought he would be furious. He wasn't. Then he said something I will never forget... "Go enjoy that baby, make walking away from here worth it. You deserve it."
I have done just that. I have spent these last few years out of the corporate world enjoying my babies. Everyone always jokes about me constantly doing things with the kids. I take them to the zoo. The park (sometimes from early morning until the sun is going down). The pool. The science center. To plays. The beach. The boardwalk. The river walk. Movies. Museums. You name it, we do it. I try to make everyday count. Make my time worth it. Worth walking away from the career that I never thought I would to do something better than I ever imagined. I always call my other stay at home mom friends to see if anyone wants to come and sometimes one or two will join me. Most times it is just me and my kids. I am always surprised especially on the most gorgeous of days when someone says to me "no not today. I have a lot of laundry to do", or something to that effect. Nothing wrong with keeping a tidy house but that is not what I left my job for. I left my job to enjoy my kids. Enjoy myself during the time I spend with them. I don't enjoy laundry or cleaning. I do both. But I never miss a sunny day to do either.
As much as I love staying home with my kids there are times I feel guilty. I feel guilty that my husband has to work extra hard to support all of us. Guilty that he misses all of the things that I get to experience and see with them. Guilty that he is tired because he is over worked. Guilty that the financial burden falls all on him. Not that he ever complains about it. This is what we both wanted. And yet I feel guilty.
I have sacrificed to stay at home with my babies. Not just my job. Little pieces of me. Until recently I stopped writing because I simply couldn't find the time. I work out less. I go out less. I take shorter showers if I take one at all. I don't wear designer everything anymore. I don't get my hair done at a salon. I eat meals with one hand. After they are cold. I sleep very little. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize me.
Sometimes I envy my friends that are able to maintain a full time job and raise their children. Their husbands appear to help out more. Be more willing to share the load. They have financial freedom. Nicer cars. Bigger homes. Lavish vacations. Even their kids wear designer clothes.
They can go out for dinner or a cocktail without putting their kids to bed first because their spouse is capable of doing it with out them. They get adult time. No one ever says to them "oh you just stay home with your kids". And at the same time I know that no matter how things look from the out side most of them are longing to trade places. To jut stay at home and enjoy their babies. I know they feel guilty too. Guilty because they don't spend every waking moment with the most important person in their life. Guilty that someone else might get to see one of their baby's firsts. Guilty that they can't just walk away from the career they have worked so hard for.
There is a misconception that being a stay at home mom means that you love your kids more than the working mom. That you were willing to sacrifice things that they weren't to be at home. That material things mean more to the working mom than they do to the one going with out. Those things simply aren't true. Working moms are a amazing strong breed of women. They don't just maintain a job and take care of their children when they get home. They work tirelessly around the clock in an office and at home. They take breast pumps to work so their babies can still eat. They schedule school meetings and arrange drop offs, pick ups, and doctors appointments on their lunch break. They worry all day about what they are missing or if their baby is okay with that runny nose. They take conference calls and fill out paper work while longing to snuggle to their little one. When they get home even if they are tired beyond tired. They cook dinner. Clean the table. Give baths. Read books. Hold their babies until their arms ache because they don't want to put them down. They plan for the next day so that everything goes smoothly just so they can get up and do it all over again. They are super heroes with invisible capes and magic powers. They do the impossible.
And stay at home moms. Well they are not just stay at home moms. It also takes a super hero to care for another human being 24 hours a day while your needs are neglected. We take on more than anyone should because we don't want to be just any one thing. And we aren't. we are a million things that no one sees or knows and we don't say because we don't do it for anyone but ourselves and of course our kids.
So can you have your cake and eat it too? Maybe. My kids are happy and healthy and loved and that is all that really matters. Whether you stay at home or work a full time job... keep calm and know you are a good mom.
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