Dear First Time Mom....

This is written with love and affection for all new mommies.who think they know it all

I was at one time this mom. I owned damn near every pregnancy book out there. "What to expect" was like the bible around here. Well not really I have never actually read the bible, but you get the point. It was my sacred go to book. I felt as if whoever wrote that book knew it all. Each time a new month was starting I read the next chapter. So anxious to see what my baby might look like or weigh at that point. What new things were starting to develop. If the book said your baby can now hear, you may want to start reading to your baby that's what I did. In hindsight that seems incredibly silly. My baby may be able to hear but clearly didn't know the difference between being read a nursery rhyme or me gossiping with girlfriends. 

I was so anxious to get to the end of that book. I did everything it told you to about writing a birthing plan. Packed every thing they suggested. Went over that bringing baby home check list a million times. Contraptions for our little one were beginning to take over my tiny apartment. We had a swing, a rocker, a bassinet, a soothing vibrations chair. All things other moms swore by. We used none of them. Why? Because my baby didn't like a vibrating mattress like a hooker at a cheap motel, nor did he like swinging side to side while obnoxious birds flew in a circle over his head. You know what he liked.... being held. All day every day. 

If I wasn't holding Aidan he was crying. How could this be? I was going to have a well adjusted, non clingy, independent little man. Who is this frantic creature that is in hysterics if I have to pee? Although I swore I wouldn't be that mom... You know the one who eats with one hand so she doesn't have to set her baby down cause it may make him upset, masters peeing with a baby sleeping on her chest so she doesn't wake him, definitely not the one that co sleeps or sits in the back seat of the car (despite my own motion sickness) to keep baby happy on a long (more than 5 minutes) ride. I will NEVER be that mom. Never? Well maybe sometimes I will do those things. Or as it turned out ALL the time. I would soon make a shocking discovery. I didn't know shit about being a mom before I actually had a baby to care for all of the time. Nothing prepared me to my dismay. Not "Happiest Baby on the Block" or the "No Cry Sleep Solution" not even "What to Expect the First Year". This couldn't be I totally knew what other people should be doing with their kids before I had mine. Why was mine such a mystery?! I must have gotten the defective one. No cry sleep solution??? Was she raising a baby with no vocal chords? Maybe she just  shut the monitor off and pretended not to hear the riot going on in the crib. Happiest baby on the block??? I read it. I put those words into action. Where the hell was my happy baby?! What to expect?! No one can predict what you should expect. That book should be called "I think this is what you can expect based on my experience as a first time mom which is somewhat hazy because I was rocking a crying baby that never slept or got in the car without freaking out". Then at least if that didn't happen to you, you would feel like you lucked out not got lied to.

Despite our first year of unexpected firsts and me eating my words more than I cared to, we survived. If I ever write a book about being a first time mom it will be called "We survived you most likely will too".

Aidan turned one. He was still sleeping in my bed. Crying in the car. Always had to have me in his sights. But something was happening. Slowly but surely he was becoming more independent. He was walking by now and didn't "need" to be held all of the time. His sleeping pattern was less unpredictable and finally I could start to do somethings for me like showering regularly and shaving my legs. 

This wasn't so bad after all. Aidan was a quiet, sensitive, well behaved toddler. When you told him no he stopped what he was doing. He was not the type of kid to be into everything. I never even baby proofed the house. I didn't have to. He had no interest in going in cabinets or sticking objects in sockets. He never climbed the furniture. Smooth sailing from here on out. 

I would see parents with older children at the park or in the mall. I would watch them trying to reel in or talk down their unruly, loud, obnoxious, fresh, tantrum throwing beast and pity them. Thank God Aidan is well behaved. I will NEVER tolerate any of that nonsense. And I wouldn't.... for oh about another year and half. 

Aidan was about to turn two. I had been forewarned about this age. I braced myself for "THE TERRIBLE 2'S". Although I admit I thought that term was 1. an exaggeration and 2.the result of poor parenting skills. Which only says something about how little I knew. 

I will NEVER be that mother that "let's" her kid throw an all out kicking, screaming, face in the floor tantrum while we are in the public eye.  NEVER.  I couldn't imagine this sweet boy that followed me around like a puppy would ever behave in that manner anyway. Until.... he did. 

Lesson number one, no mom let's her child throw a tantrum. They happen.You have no control over them. Once in the midst of a tantrum there is only one option. Ride it out. A tantrum is similar to a psychotic break. You cannot reason or even speak to child mid tantrum. The more you try to stop it the louder, more embarrassing, and extreme it will get. You can try to remove them from the situation only to find out your child has become dead weight. Gravity draws them to the floor like a magnet and they are unmovable. 

Aidan was about to turn three. We were days away from escaping terrible two unscathed. I had no idea my little darling was a terrorist laying in wait. He was about to launch full blown tantrum warfare for the first time... in public. 

We went to get his picture with Santa. I didn't bring the stroller because I didn't think I needed it. We weren't shopping or walking around the mall. One picture. Simple. In and out. Aidan waited on the extended line like and angel. People complimented how well behaved he was. I bragged about how lucky I was and what a good boy he was. He sat an Santa's lap and smiled like a chubby little cherub. Oh I was so in love with this little person. We paid for the picture. Then you had to walk through Santa's toy shop to exit. Brilliant marketing. Mom's worst nightmare. 

Aidan of course needed a toy. His birthday just passed and Christmas was just days away but he NEEDED A TOY. Fine. One toy. No big deal. He picked something out. We paid. Out we go. Until another toy caught his eye. 

Mommy I want that one too.
No you already got one.
I WANT THAT ONE TOO!!!!! I WANT IT!!!! I WANT IT!!! IWANTITIWANTITIWANTITIWANTIT!!!!!
(oh my god what is happening)
I understand you want it but you already got something. No more toys today okay buddy?

What followed was my never say never realization. Aidan began kicking and screaming and holy shit throwing himself on the floor.  In the process he knocked over an entire shelf of toys. They came crashing down along with any shred of dignity I may have had moments ago. I tried talking to him, shushing him. I attempted to lift him off the floor. I couldn't. He suddenly weighed 100 more pounds than he did on the way in. I was embarrassed, sweating, scrambling for how to stop this madness. I felt like a hostage to this little insane person who was not going to let us escape this crowd of judgmental glares until his negotiating terms were met. FINE. YOU WANT THE TOY. I WILL GET IT. JUST GET OFF THE FLOOR. It was pointless. He didn't even want the toy anymore. He was delusional. I dragged him to the car. Mopping the floor of the mall with his almost three year old body. 

Finally the endless walk of shame had come to an end. We were at the car. His body rigid, unbending, I could not get him in the car seat. Dear God if you let me get this child in the car 
I will never say never again. I don't know if my prayer was answered or Aidan just ran out of steam.

Dear FTM, 
I know you think you know it all. I was at one time you. Don't look at other mother's that don't have it as together as you and your sweet immobile nonverbal bundle of joy with a scornful eye. You can't imagine it now and perfect as you are as a parent,  at a time you are least expecting it your little one who has been taught so well will totally lose their shit, probably at the most inopportune moment. So throw out your preconceived idea of what the perfect child is like and learn to adapt to who yours will be. No one is exempt so don't ever say NEVER.

 Sincerely, 

The mom that learned the hard way