Yes you read that right. Fat girl ( that would be me). Not on a diet. Not currently anyway... because at one point or another I have been on all of them.
The first time I decided to diet was right before I got married. I was about 165 pounds. We started shopping for wedding dresses. For some this is the most fun and exciting time of their life. For me, it was torture! I was thrilled to be getting married and seriously head over heels in love. But wedding dress shopping felt more like an exercise in humiliation. All of the dresses at the stores were many sizes too small. MANY! Every dress I tried on had to be clipped closed in the back cause it didn't fit. There is no better feeling than walking out of a dressing room with all eyes on you... stuffed into a dress held to together by industrial size clips. Mind you at the time I was not a "big girl". Not skinny... but not big. I was a comfortable size 10.... which felt like a 20.
I finally found the dress of my dreams. I can still hear the little Filipino woman at the store saying "it's pretty dress... but you too big for that kind of dress". I decided after that I was not going to even think about a wedding dress until I was not too big for it.
I started weight watchers immediately. Weight watchers... aka... AA for over eaters. I exercised and counted points like my life depended on it. I shed 20 pounds fairly quickly. Then I got my wisdom teeth removed and could not eat solid food for some length of time... which totally helped with the dieting. Then I got the flu. Before I knew it I was 128 pounds and in a size 7. Success!
I was 128 pounds for like a whole day... well maybe two. After the wedding I went back up to 140 in no time. Which I was totally comfortable at.
Then my mother in law got sick. Diagnosed with lung cancer. This is when I discovered that I am an emotional eater. I took care of her for one year. Watched her wither away. And comforted myself with a generous portion (a pint) of Ben & Jerry's pretty much every night. I also ate McDonald's and whatever else I could grab on the way to the hospital. My mother in law passed away. And I had gained 50 pounds trying not to deal with it.
So here I am... at my heaviest weight. Nearly 200 pounds! And pregnant with my first baby. A combination that would send me into downward spiral as far as weight is concerned. I don't remember my exact weight... I have made a mental note not too, but it is safe to say I was well over 200 pounds when I gave birth to Aidan.
I lost some weight after I had him. Nothing significant. My recovery from his birth took a long time. I was overweight. Exhausted. And completely unmotivated. I had given up. I just didn't care anymore about my weight or at least that was what I told myself because I really didn't want to deal with how much I hated this new body I was living in. I still laugh to myself when I read these articles about women claiming to love their stretch marks and saggy skin. Yes I had a baby. Yes those are my battle wounds, tiger stripes, whatever the fuck you want to call them... I don't like them. If I was one of those women that miraculously came out of that nine months unscathed I would be perfectly happy. I mean I'd still have my broken vagina to show for all my hard work in bringing a human into the world... that's plenty in my opinion.
I went into my next pregnancy heavier than I did my first. Again I gained more than I should have and left the hospital with staples in my stomach, a baby in my arms, and a number on the scale that made me want to crawl in a hole and eat cake batter, alone, while I cried.
I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to pay a visit to Jenny Craig. I ate their over priced crappy frozen and boxed food for weeks... and lost weight. I stopped going to Jenny Craig and gained all the weight back immediately. Like in 24 hours. Kidding. But that is what it felt like.
I needed to gain control of the situation. I started a diet of Slim fast and salad and exercised religiously. From October 2011 to October 2012 I had lost 100 pounds! YES 100 pounds!
Then I got pregnant again. I managed to keep it together this time and not slip into the morbidly obese range. I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy who just turned 2. Would you believe it if I told you I weigh more now than the day I gave birth to an almost 10 pound baby... sadly that is the truth. Over the course of the last 2 years I have tried just about every beach body program there is. T25 (is awesome unless you have boobs and don't mind getting beat up by them! The amount of jumping that those workouts require is just unreasonable), P90 (yes just plain of P90 no X, cause lets face it if I am doing anything EXTREME its going to be weight loss surgery not a workout that could give me heart attack), PiYo (apparently I do not like Pilates or yoga... I like them even less when they are combined), the 21 day fix (I could never make it past day 7, if I had I imagine I would have been successful) ... I drank Shakeology and despite all of its claims to help me lose weight, reduce cravings blah blah blah... I could not lose the weight. Clearly those programs do work for people and can be a very successful tool... just not for me. I tried cutting out carbs to no avail. I went back to what had worked before. Good old slim fast and salad. How the fuck did I do that for an entire year?! I still do not know. What I did find is that I can not EVER do that again. I joined the rec center and made it to exactly 0 classes... because... well I have 3 kids and there is no good time to leave the house for an hour.
I was feeling hopeless. Then I came across the book "What Are You Hungry For?" by Deepak Chopra. I read the entire book in less than 2 days. What was I hungry for? What was I craving in life? Had I started to use food to fill some sort of void? Ummmmm yes. And so I started taking better care of myself. Restoring balance in my life which also included making time for myself which I had not been doing for nearly the last 8 years!
In the last few weeks I have managed to lose nearly 20 pounds! And this time... this fat girl is not on a diet! A diet to me represents some sort of deprivation. A set period of time that I will live miserably restricted in order to reach a goal. I do not need another diet. I do not want a quick fix. I can not live on a meal replacement program... I like food. I want to eat it.
So what is my secret? In truth I do not have one. If there are two things that I would recommend it is the book I mentioned above and getting a fit bit. Read the book for a little inspiration. A little soul searching is always a good thing. Find what you are hungry for... that has nothing to do with the food on your plate.
Over the last month I have been more mindful of what I put in my mouth. Am I really hungry or am I just bored? I ask myself do I really want this or is there something else I'd rather wait for? I use my fitbit to stay accountable... to myself!
In the book Deepak Chopra says something to the effect that your body is not a reflection of who you are... it tells the story of how it has been taken care.
For far too long my body has been telling the story of neglect. Not anymore.
