faster than angels fly

When I was in the 8th grade I told my mother I wouldn't make it another four years in the school I was in. I begged her to send me to a private all girls school. Of course at the time I was what... 13 years old. I had no idea that I was asking them to pay for a $20,000 high school education. They didn't hesitate. They sent me to the private school. 

I guess it is no surprise that my son is struggling to keep his head above water in the same school system now. The one I begged almost 20 years ago to take me out of. Sadly not much has changed. As much as I could write about the failing public school system in my town and how nothing is being done to change it, that is not what this particular blog is about. It's about the school my parents sent me to because I knew I would drown here and the girls I met when I got there. 

My home town is cliquey. Mean girls are an abundant breed here. Even when I was younger I knew I didn't belong here. As I have said in other posts I managed to fly under the radar through much of grammar school. Even that was stressful. Always wondering when they would set their sights on you. Never knowing if you were next to be the butt of every joke made. I couldn't take it. I knew it was inevitable. The humiliation train had already run over every other possible victim. It was only a matter of time until it hit me. I had to leave before that happened. Thank God I had parents that took me seriously and were willing to sacrifice for me. 

My freshman year of high school I started ICHS. An all girls school. I didn't know anyone and no one knew me. It was the change of scenery I so desperately needed. I made friends instantly. Surprisingly those instant connections would last through out my high school career. Everyday I sat with and chatted the time away with the same girls. One thing that stands out is how much we laughed and genuinely enjoyed each other. I looked forward to school. I looked forward to seeing my friends. Our class as a whole was small. I think there was something like 40 of us the year we graduated. We were a tight knit group. Even so we were all from different towns and about to attend different colleges. We all swore that we would all stay in touch. For a while we did. But like everything else in time we drifted apart. 

Then there was Facebook. For the most part everyone that I wondered or thought about over the years was on line. We all became Facebook friends and began to catch each other up on our lives.... virtually. Some of us got together and picked up where we left off. There was one girl in particular that I was hoping to reconnect with. Of course she was the one I couldn't find. No one else could either.  Every time I saw someone from ICHS the first thing I would ask them was if they knew where Danielle was? or how she was? Nobody knew. I knew her old house number by heart and would from time to time call it to see if maybe she had come back home, to no avail. 

Danielle (along with a few others) was  one of those people that for whatever reason you just click with. They are more than a friend. You connect with them on another level. I guess what you would call a soul mate. One of those people that you can't just shake off because they hold onto a deeper part of you. The part that has nothing to do with logic or circumstance or even commonalities. They are part you. They own that little piece of your heart that they managed to grab hold of. Dani was one of those people. 

Until a few weeks ago the last time I saw or heard from her was the year 2002. For 12 years we had not seen or spoken to each other. Regardless I always thought about her. Wondered what she was up to and wished her well. I honestly didn't know if our paths would ever cross again. Of course I always held out the hope they would. And then they did. 

I got the chance to spend a night with her. Tell her how much I missed her and how I always thought about her. She expressed the same to me. We were in two very different places in our lives but that didn't matter. For this one last night we were two friends, soul mates, in sync, overjoyed to reconnect. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. Made plans for her to come meet my kids. And oddly enough that night felt like good bye.

Last night she was killed by a drunk driver in a head on collision. What are the odds I would get to see her after 12 years of thinking about her. After 12 years of asking about her, trying to find her, I would get to see her one last time before she was gone forever. My heart is so heavy with this news I feel like I can't breathe. I am incredibly grateful for the chance that I had to say goodbye and incredibly devastated.  I am often not sure where I stand with my belief in God. I know there is no way that our meeting again was a coincidence. Or by chance. I feel like the universe or some higher being is trying to tell me something... but what? Could it be so simple that it was just a chance for our souls to say goodbye. However sick with sadness I feel in this moment I know had I not had that opportunity my soul would not be able to bare this. 

Danielle was a one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. Long blonde hair. Green eyes outlined in the boldest black. Her skin fair and flawless like a porcelain china doll. Beautiful. She was petite and sweet. Smarter than she would ever let on. She was happy and that was contagious. She would always say exactly what was on her mind even if it was off the wall. If she loved you... you knew it because she would never miss an opportunity to tell you. Danielle was also restless, daring, carefree to the point of dangerous. Qualities that often lead her down rough roads. She was a beautiful mystery and I loved her. I always will.  

"Some souls only know one speed, faster than angels fly." That was Dani. It took me 12 years to catch up to her. We were in the same space and time for a brief moment before she had to go. I will forever remember that night, when she slowed down long enough to tell me goodbye.