Until we meet again

Six years ago my sister in law and I waged a war of words against each other in the most public of arenas. Facebook. Each of us had a stockpile of bitter previously unspoken feelings that we would use as weapons of mutually assured destruction. Friends and family watched this epic battle unfold. Like all wars there were no victors, only deeply wounded warriors. After we had cut each other down we raised our flags. Surrendering. Knowing no further damage was possible. Both fresh out of ammunition. We severed ties. Deleting each other from facebook, erasing our words, and each other from one another’s lives.

Days. Weeks. Months. Eventually years 5 of them to be exact went by. We had no contact. No involvement in each other’s lives. Babies were born with no congratulations sent or received. Excluding each other from weddings and other significant life events. We moved on in separate directions and never looked back. Time widened the gap and the wedge we had driven between us. Both firm in our resolve that we were right remained unapologetic. Accepting that there was no going back.

Until…. I overheard my father in law saying that my estranged sister in law had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. PANCREATIC CANCER. My heart sank. For the first time in 5 years the grudge that I had held onto with such conviction seemed ridiculous. Pointless. That night I got on the computer. Opened facebook. Checked the unblock button next her name. Pulled up her profile page and clicked on message. I sat there staring at the blank message box for what felt like hours. I spent the next few days typing, deleting, typing, and again deleting. I felt like I had so much to say… too much for words.

I finally sent her a message. She replied almost immediately. We made our peace. With that peace I also felt the sting of my decision to cut her out of my life. My children had never met her and now would not have the opportunity. Five years of missed opportunities. Too much to think about. Too many would have, could have, should haves on both sides.

We made our peace and spent much of the last year catching up. Filling one another in our lives. Exchanging photographs, I love you’s and apologies. Forgiving each other and ourselves. We used our words this time to repair, to rebuild, to make our peace, and I thank God we did. Today my sister in law passed away. My heart is heavy. There is so much I have to say. Too much for words. At times like these words often fail me and feel inadequate.

If I could send her one more message I don’t know what I would say so … until we meet again…<3