Just a little while longer

My littlest love is 7 months old today. 7 months. Before I know it he will be one. When Aidan was a baby his first year was all anticipation and excitement. Every milestone only represented something new that he could do and that was exciting. I couldn't wait until he could walk, talk, and really play. I was anxious to see him take his first step. When he did I was over joyed. I loved watching him stumble around our house like a tiny drunk person. I delighted in hearing his first real word. Light. Light was his first real word. He said light probably a million times and I loved hearing it every single time. It never got old. I documented his year of firsts like a news paper reporter. I wrote it all down with the time and date. I made scrap books. Saved curls of hair and ticket stubs from places we visited. I did all this so he could have a piece of the things he was too little to remember. I did all of this for him not me. Surely I would remember these days and milestones for the rest of my life as if they had just happened. Or would I?

By the time I had Seark, Aidan was 5 and I knew that time goes by faster than you anticipate. The things you think you will always remember you start to forget. I was just as excited for Seark's year of firsts but less anxious. I didn't want to rush the year with the excitement of reaching the next milestone. I knew walking and talking would arrive in their own time and once they were here there is no going back. The infant stage is so short lived. Even shorter when you have an older child. Despite my effort to soak up every second and hold onto to the baby stage it passed me by in a blink. So fast I didn't have time to make scrap books and even forgot to write down things like his first smile (luckily i caught it on camera). With Aidan you could ask me anything and I would know exactly when that happened. His first steps were October 11, 2007. Exactly two months before his first birthday I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes when he let go of the couch he had been cruising on for the last month and walked out of the living room, through the dining room and fell right before he reached me. Seark... when was his first steps.... ummmm some time around his first birthday. Like with in weeks of turning one. I can still clearly see in my head Seark walking from Melissa to me for the first time I just don't remember exactly when that happened. I know terrible. How could I not know? Because it happens sooner than you think and even though you take mental note time marches on and the details become... fuzzy.

I thoroughly enjoyed Aidan and Seark. I loved spending my days with them and most of the time was not aware of how quickly time was passing. With Rylan I feel different. Maybe because he will be the last baby for me. I don't know. Whatever the reason I feel almost like everyday is bittersweet. I am all to aware that this baby stage is coming to an end. I rock him at night after I feed him and most nights I have a hard time putting him in his crib because I know these nights in the rocking chair will be over soon and I am not ready for that. Everyday he is more aware of his surroundings. I love watching him interact with his brothers. Just weeks ago he seemed unaware that he shared a house with them. While I love watching them together it makes me sad because I know it is the start of a new chapter for him which means the end of one for me. I know that this year of firsts is coming to an end and after that the infant stage will not just be a thing of the past for Ry but also for me. I am so not ready for that. I know I am not having anymore children and although I am okay with that it is a strange feeling that all of these firsts that are happening now will also be my last.

It is bittersweet watching your babies grow. I wish I could pause time. I know I can't keep them little forever. I just need a little while longer. A little longer to have them all to myself. A little longer to spend nights rocking them to sleep. A little longer to soak up these days.... just a little while longer.