why doesn't anyone ever tell you?!

The process of carrying and physically bringing a baby into the world is hard. There are all kinds of things that happen to your body that nobody tells you about until they are happening. PUPPPS. A nine month long yeast infection. Bad skin. Stretch marks in places other than your belly. Heart burn. Back pain. A pain in the ass otherwise known as hemorrhoids.  Insomnia. Restless legs. Anxiety. Exhaustion. Countless blood test, sonograms, trips to the doctor, and to the lab. You often hear the birthing horror stories none of which include the “I pooped while pushing” part or the catheter.

After the baby there are all new problems. PPD. Leaky boobs. The feeling like you may just be bleeding forever. Stitches up to your ass that prevent you from sitting properly. Nobody tells you about any of it. Until you mention that you have one or all of those things going on and then they go “ooooooh yeah… that. I had that. It was awful.” Gee thanks for the heads up. Not that knowing would make these things any better but it would lessen the anxiety as you wonder endlessly is this normal? This can’t be normal. And you don’t want to call the doctors office and talk to the cute never had a baby 16 year old receptionist and leave message for the doctor because whatever you have going is not only not normal but embarrassing. Which then prompts you to send your dr. a text message (if you’re lucky enough to have his number) that reads like this… my vajayjay is on fire. WTF?! HELP ME!!!! Ya know cause I heard a friend of a friend had a cousin whose sister sent her doctor a text like that. Not me. My sister’s cousin’s friend or whatever I said before. That’s who sent that text. Oh right, I don’t have a sister! Well it doesn’t matter who sent it. Shit like that happens is the point. Shit like that happens because no one ever tells you the truth. Except for me. I will tell you anything even the stuff that you don’t want to know to save you from hormonal texting. I will just give you all the gory details as recounted by my cousin’s uncle’s wives friend who that happened to. Not me.

Once you bring the baby home you will get all of the unwanted advice you never asked for. My mother in law passed away before I had my children so this doesn’t apply to me but I hear mother in laws are the best source of unlimited “advice”. People will give you tips and tricks on how to feed, burp, and put your baby to sleep. You will hear nostalgic tales about how wonderful their children were and how such and such always worked for me. You never hear someone say “welcome to the mommyhood the club where you will spend every day for the rest of your life second guessing every decision you make”. Or “I remember those first few weeks and how stressful they were”. Yes stressful. For most first time moms the first few weeks are stressful. You are sent home from the hospital with this beautiful fragile little being and all you had to do was sign a paper that you won’t shake him or her. No instruction manual. They should all come with one. Since they don’t moms that have been there and done that should be forth coming with the truth. The truth is when I came home with Aidan I was exhausted! I worried all day every day. I was breastfeeding so my nipples felt like they had been raked over hot coals which is enough by itself to wear anyone down. I was constantly worried if he was eating enough, too much? Did he pee? Should I write it down? Then I would write down the first few feedings and diaper changes. Half way through the day I’d forget to keep up with that and by night be wondering did he have enough. Why didn’t I write it down? Oh right cause I’m exhausted and I cannot keep a thought in my head.

 One night I was so exhausted I was up every other hour feeding Aidan. I remember getting up. Getting the boppy pillow and baby situated on my lap. I started nursing Aidan… and then I woke up. In a panic. I slept for over an hour. I fell asleep while feeding Aidan who was just a few weeks old. I was in such a deep sleep I didn’t even know he had rolled off the pillow and onto the floor. He sleeping at my feet! PANIC!!!! New baby face down on the floor at your feet can NOT be good! Oh my God!!! I felt like the absolute worst mother on the planet. Who lets their baby roll off the couch in the middle of a feeding and doesn’t even realize until an hour later?! I was so ashamed (and afraid I may have damaged this tiny person) I didn’t tell anyone about that for years (when it was clear he was perfectly fine)! I find that when you tell the truth most people will follow suit and confess to their own “worst mommy moment”

Here are some real mommy confessions…

“Stumbling around like a drunk in the early morning hours trying not to wake my second shift husband sleeping in the bed I tried to close the bed room door behind me. In the process I smack my sons head on the door while leaving the room. Not bad enough to make him cry but when I turned to shut the door I smacked his head again. I felt horrible and was wide awake at that point.”

“I was holding my two month old when my 18 month old tipped the vacuum and it started to fall on him. For some reason I threw the baby over my shoulder and grabbed the vacuum. Thankfully the baby was fine but I don’t know why I reacted that way!”

“When my son was a few days old he peed during a diaper change and sprayed my cup. Well you know how in the beginning when you are nursing you are dying of thirst? I decided wth… and drank it anyway!”

“My baby made out with the dog. They just sat there licking each other. My husband was laughing so hard he couldn’t stop it!”

“I was traveling with the baby. I was carrying her diaper bag, a back pack, the carry on and the stroller. I was struggling to fold the stroller so I could board the plane so one of the passengers offered to help. So instead of handing her oh say the diaper bag or the carry on I hand her my baby and folded the stroller. It didn’t hit me that I handed my baby over to a total stranger until afterwards!”

“I got shit…. IN MY MOUTH!”

Doesn’t it feel good to share? I encourage everyone to share these wonderfully awful little tid bits with every new mom you know. When you go to the hospital to meet their precious bundle the first time keep in mind everyone that has stepped in that room has already shoved the joys of motherhood down their throat. They really don’t need to hear “enjoy every second” for the thousandth time. Let them know you too felt like you repeatedly got run over by a truck for the first few days and not to worry that it will pass. Trust me they will appreciate it.

Share your worst mommy moment with me.