Today was a beautiful almost
perfect day. We went to the zoo. The sun was shining. My boys were all
behaving. I nursed Rylan in public several times with no flashing or major
incidents. It was a good day. While we were at the zoo we were standing on line
for the train. The girl behind us in line complimented Aidan several times
about how beautiful his eyes are. Each time he gave her a very underwhelmed
“thanks”. Aidan does have gorgeous eyes. They are a very pale greenish bluish
kind of yellow gray? They are unusual and do get noticed often. When we got on
the train my husband said to Aidan “check you out little stud getting hit on by
a pretty girl already” to which Aidan replied “pretty… gross”. My husband was
incredulous. What?! That girl was pretty! Why would you say pretty gross?!
The girl that so generously
complimented Aidan was indeed very pretty. I was curious as to what was going
through his little head also. Aidan shrugged his shoulders and said “Her face
was pretty but her arms were all tattooed. That’s gross”. (My arm is all tattooed
also) My husband started laughing and said you better watch out you are going
to hurt mommy’s feelings. Aidan looked
at my arm and then looked up at me. I could see in his brilliantly colored eyes
that he was searching for the right thing to say. The right thing being
something that wouldn’t hurt my feelings. Aidan is never at a loss for words.
It took him a minute and then he said something I always say. Whenever Aidan
picks out his own clothes and asks if I like what he is wearing I always reply
“Do you like it? Your have to wear it. As long as you like it that’s all that
matters” So there on the train at the zoo my 7 year old son said to me “Do you
like your tattoos? They are on you. As long as you like them that’s all that
matters”.
Shit. I actually hate the way
that sounds coming from someone else… especially my kid.
I only said back your right
that is all that matters. I looked at my arm. Looked at Aidan. I do like them.
I turned back around and thought honestly to myself I do like them and that is
NOT all that matters. I felt hurt. I don’t even know why. Maybe because his
initial response to the other girls tattoos was so honest and innocent. He
honestly thinks tattoos are gross. He innocently said so without hurting me as
his intention. I guess the real realization was there was something about me
that my son doesn’t like and had never said so to spare my feelings.
Aidan has taught me something
about myself today. I do care what someone else thinks. I care what my son
thinks about me and how he sees me in relation to the world. I can’t change the
things I have done. I wouldn’t want to. I can’t make Aidan like them. I
wouldn’t want to do that either. So does it really bother me than that he
thinks tattoos are gross. No. I think what bothers me is that there is unspoken
thing maybe only perceived but from the day my babies were born I have always
loved that even if to no one else to them you are perfect. You are the center
of their universe and everything revolves around you. When I was in the
hospital with Seark they used to bring him to my room every night around three
am because no one could get him to stop crying. The instant he would hear my
voice he would quiet down. When I held him it was like he just melted in my
arms. When he looked at me I could see the love in his eyes. When Aidan was a
baby he would watch me like a little baby stalker. No matter where I went his
eyes followed me and they lit up every time they met mine. Rylan little as he
is looks at me like he is in love. Until today I guess I never realized that
my kids might have an opinion of me other than the one I thought they had.
Maybe the thing that really hurts is that Aidan is growing up. I’m not the
center of the world for him anymore. He is beyond seeing me with those little
love struck eyes. Another milestone I’m not ready for in his life or mine.
Maybe I’m over thinking the
whole thing.
When we got home Aidan said
to me “I don’t think your tattoos are gross mom. I just want the girl I marry
to not have any. And your married already so don’t worry about it.”
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