I didn't see that coming

 

 

“Why four? Don’t you have 3 boys?”

“What am I missing? Are you referring to your husband as your fourth child?”

“I must have must have missed something. Is chachie (my dog) number 4?”

Honestly I didn’t see that coming. In my first blog I thought I clearly explained where the “four” came from. I guess not, so here it is. This blog is about life, more specifically how I see it. Every experience in my life has shaped my views, my thoughts, and opinions. I see things like no one else, but so do you. Having children I would say is one of the many defining life events that changed who I am and how I see the world around me. Having babies has opened my eyes to things I didn’t even know existed before them. Bringing a child into the world gave me a sense of purpose and faith that I was not aware of before. I started to take better care of myself because of them. I am more conscious of how I treat the planet because it is the one they will inherit. I know that they learn by example and that most of their understanding of how to navigate through this life will come from how they see me which means I need to be the best version of me that I can be. This has made me kinder, wiser, and more thoughtful.

I have been pregnant four times. Each pregnancy was a unique experience. Four times. Four different hearts. I watched and heard each one of them beat through the gift of modern technology. I fell in love and felt an instant sense of connectedness each time.  Not three… four. I gave birth to and brought home three beautiful babies. One I miscarried at home. I am a mom of three that the rest of the world will have the privilege of knowing. One that only I knew. For me that one that only I speak of by name, that only I truly felt the loss of, is no less significant than my other three. That baby that never became more than an angel changed my world just like each one of my boys and is worthy of acknowledgment.

I understand that to many this concept is not graspable. I understand that if you have never had a miscarriage you don’t know the impact it has. I understand that even some women that have had a miscarriage don’t share this feeling. I understand and I am okay with that. I’m not offended by the questions more surprised. To me a life is a life no matter how brief. There was a baby with a beating heart inside of me. I had hopes and dreams for this baby. That I never got the chance to know that little life as a person that I could hold in my arms is devastating. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about that. Should weeks or months matter? To me this answer is no. Just as watching my other babies grow has and continues to shape me that loss has as well. Having a miscarriage has also made me wiser and more thoughtful but in a different way.

After my miscarriage so many of my friends shared their losses with me. Most I never knew about. I wondered why they had never said anything before. Why were so many grieving alone? Why is it something that women don’t really talk about with each other when it is so common? Maybe because we don’t know how to share the pain of a loss that no one even knew existed except for us. Maybe because society on a whole doesn’t really recognize a miscarriage as the loss that it is.  It’s not something I talk about often but it is also not something I cannot ignore. It happened and it changed me. I don’t know the reason but I do know the loss of that baby will always be a part of who I am. So yes I stand by four and no I am not taking about my husband or my dog.