faking it.... friendships in your 30's

You would think that making friends gets easier as you get older. Right? No. Nope. Just not so. Or not for me. Here I am smack in the middle of my thirties still trying to figure this whole friendship thing out. Don't get me wrong I have a few. I think three constitutes a few... well a couple would be 2 and I have I am pretty sure one more than that, so lets go with a few. And if you count my mother then that's four and that could technically make a bunch. But a bunch sounds like a lot... like yeah I have bunch of friends... oh who are they?.... Ummmm you know... well my mom is one... For the sake of keeping it real I have a few friends. And the ones I have I love and I wouldn't trade them for a million dollars. On most days. Cause some days I think I'd give my kidney for a million bucks and lets face it I'd be cool with dropping the count to reflect a couple over a few to keep that kidney.

Anyways... friendships are hard. In particular if you are a giver. I am. I am a giver. I give and give and give until I have nothing left. The problem with that is takers are often drawn to givers. And people like myself have a hard time drawing lines and creating boundaries so we often let takers bleed us dry. By that I mean we over invest. We go the extra mile. We make that phone call. We send that text. We buy that thoughtful little something. We listen even when we aren't heard. We show up. And we don't expect much in return. Because givers also understand that takers don't operate in the same manner, so we... forgive. Overlook. Make excuses. Until  the slights and blatant disregard adds up to the undeniable fact that you are in a one sided friendship. And even then, walking away is not easy.

Yes even walking away is hard. Walking away means admitting that you just don't mean as much to that person. And that is a hard thing to admit when you have overextended in so many ways. When you have extended an invitation on every occasion but the offer is rarely if ever reciprocated. When you have listened for countless hours to some one else's struggles and heart ache but cant remember the last time they asked simply how you are doing. When you have shown up for every important event and then listened to the excuses of their busy life when they don't show up for you. It's the hurt in going the extra mile when you often are not even met half way. The realization that you do too much for the ones that you mean so little to.

Even in knowing these truths givers don't change. It is our nature to be the way we are and being anything different, anything less just doesn't make sense. Givers learn the face of fake friendships but are deceived time and time again by the takers. Yet somehow in the disappointment we learn more about ourselves and how to take better care of us. We learn to use this gift of constant giving to change what little space of this planet we occupy. We learn to seek out like minded people and form better more meaningful friendships. Other givers that understand the delicate balance of a solid relationship and know how to not take advantage.

Friendships have always been a struggle for me, but with each failed friendship I hold tighter the ones that have lasted. I have a greater appreciation for the few that always show up, stay connected, and genuinely give so much of themselves back. As for the rest I have learned to fake it, and when to let go.

Until we meet again

Six years ago my sister in law and I waged a war of words against each other in the most public of arenas. Facebook. Each of us had a stockpile of bitter previously unspoken feelings that we would use as weapons of mutually assured destruction. Friends and family watched this epic battle unfold. Like all wars there were no victors, only deeply wounded warriors. After we had cut each other down we raised our flags. Surrendering. Knowing no further damage was possible. Both fresh out of ammunition. We severed ties. Deleting each other from facebook, erasing our words, and each other from one another’s lives.

Days. Weeks. Months. Eventually years 5 of them to be exact went by. We had no contact. No involvement in each other’s lives. Babies were born with no congratulations sent or received. Excluding each other from weddings and other significant life events. We moved on in separate directions and never looked back. Time widened the gap and the wedge we had driven between us. Both firm in our resolve that we were right remained unapologetic. Accepting that there was no going back.

Until…. I overheard my father in law saying that my estranged sister in law had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. PANCREATIC CANCER. My heart sank. For the first time in 5 years the grudge that I had held onto with such conviction seemed ridiculous. Pointless. That night I got on the computer. Opened facebook. Checked the unblock button next her name. Pulled up her profile page and clicked on message. I sat there staring at the blank message box for what felt like hours. I spent the next few days typing, deleting, typing, and again deleting. I felt like I had so much to say… too much for words.

I finally sent her a message. She replied almost immediately. We made our peace. With that peace I also felt the sting of my decision to cut her out of my life. My children had never met her and now would not have the opportunity. Five years of missed opportunities. Too much to think about. Too many would have, could have, should haves on both sides.

We made our peace and spent much of the last year catching up. Filling one another in our lives. Exchanging photographs, I love you’s and apologies. Forgiving each other and ourselves. We used our words this time to repair, to rebuild, to make our peace, and I thank God we did. Today my sister in law passed away. My heart is heavy. There is so much I have to say. Too much for words. At times like these words often fail me and feel inadequate.

If I could send her one more message I don’t know what I would say so … until we meet again…<3