faking it.... friendships in your 30's

You would think that making friends gets easier as you get older. Right? No. Nope. Just not so. Or not for me. Here I am smack in the middle of my thirties still trying to figure this whole friendship thing out. Don't get me wrong I have a few. I think three constitutes a few... well a couple would be 2 and I have I am pretty sure one more than that, so lets go with a few. And if you count my mother then that's four and that could technically make a bunch. But a bunch sounds like a lot... like yeah I have bunch of friends... oh who are they?.... Ummmm you know... well my mom is one... For the sake of keeping it real I have a few friends. And the ones I have I love and I wouldn't trade them for a million dollars. On most days. Cause some days I think I'd give my kidney for a million bucks and lets face it I'd be cool with dropping the count to reflect a couple over a few to keep that kidney.

Anyways... friendships are hard. In particular if you are a giver. I am. I am a giver. I give and give and give until I have nothing left. The problem with that is takers are often drawn to givers. And people like myself have a hard time drawing lines and creating boundaries so we often let takers bleed us dry. By that I mean we over invest. We go the extra mile. We make that phone call. We send that text. We buy that thoughtful little something. We listen even when we aren't heard. We show up. And we don't expect much in return. Because givers also understand that takers don't operate in the same manner, so we... forgive. Overlook. Make excuses. Until  the slights and blatant disregard adds up to the undeniable fact that you are in a one sided friendship. And even then, walking away is not easy.

Yes even walking away is hard. Walking away means admitting that you just don't mean as much to that person. And that is a hard thing to admit when you have overextended in so many ways. When you have extended an invitation on every occasion but the offer is rarely if ever reciprocated. When you have listened for countless hours to some one else's struggles and heart ache but cant remember the last time they asked simply how you are doing. When you have shown up for every important event and then listened to the excuses of their busy life when they don't show up for you. It's the hurt in going the extra mile when you often are not even met half way. The realization that you do too much for the ones that you mean so little to.

Even in knowing these truths givers don't change. It is our nature to be the way we are and being anything different, anything less just doesn't make sense. Givers learn the face of fake friendships but are deceived time and time again by the takers. Yet somehow in the disappointment we learn more about ourselves and how to take better care of us. We learn to use this gift of constant giving to change what little space of this planet we occupy. We learn to seek out like minded people and form better more meaningful friendships. Other givers that understand the delicate balance of a solid relationship and know how to not take advantage.

Friendships have always been a struggle for me, but with each failed friendship I hold tighter the ones that have lasted. I have a greater appreciation for the few that always show up, stay connected, and genuinely give so much of themselves back. As for the rest I have learned to fake it, and when to let go.

Some birds arent meant to be caged

Some birds aren’t meant to be caged

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all.

Their feathers too bright, their songs too sweet and wild.

So you let them go, or whenever you open the cage to feed them they

Somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows that it is wrong to

Imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”

Stephen King

 Came across that quote tonight and can't help but think about how much I miss my friend Melissa. If you knew her you would know how fitting that is for her. One of the most beautiful people I have ever known. Inside and out. A spirit so bright, so bold you just can’t keep it contained.

We were close friends in grammar school and into high school. I transferred to a private school and lost touch with a lot of my childhood friends including her. Years went by and I heard she was living here or there and doing this or that but we never seemed to be in the same place at the same time. A few years ago I’m not even sure exactly how but we got back in touch with each other. It was like no time passed at all. We caught each other up on everything and anything that had happened in our lives over the last decade. Everything. The good. The bad. Even the ugly. Our conversations were easy and honest. I began to realize not just how much I missed her but how much I missed having that kind of friendship. A friendship free of any kind of judgment. I could tell her anything no matter how silly and always feel heard. We spent countless hours talking on the phone and over coffee.

It wasn’t long before we both found out that we were pregnant. A surprise to both us. Really what were the odds that after all these years of never even crossing paths that we would be having babies within days of each other? We spent every day of our pregnancy together. Every day. Melissa would come here in the morning and we would spend literally the whole day together. Commiserating over how uncomfortable we both were. Planning for our newest additions. Sharing in each other’s excitement. Even rubbing each other’s swollen feet. We talked about everything from baby names to how crazy I thought she was for planning a home birth. We watched each other’s belly’s grow and felt our little ones kick before they were here.  When I was on my way to the hospital to have Seark I called her. Right before they took me in for my c-section I called her. The first phone call I made after he was here was... to her. Our babies that were due just days apart wound up being born a month apart. Seark was 2 weeks early. Her baby Saige was 2 weeks late. She spent most of that very long month waiting for Saige on my couch snuggling Seark. He would lay across her belly contently as Saige wriggled and moved. When she finally made her way into the world I couldn’t wait to meet her. To hold this little peanut I felt like I already knew. She was perfect. She was only a few hours old when I went with Seark to introduce him to his new friend and celebrate the birth of her baby with my best friend.

After the babies were born we were inseparable. Together we passed the time watching our babies grow. Exchanging advice. Laughing at ourselves and the silly things Seark and Saige would do. We spent our days by the pool playing with Aidan and getting tan while Seark and Saige napped together side by side in the shade. It was one of the best summers. Before we knew it a year had passed and we had toddlers. They stumbled around each other like little drunks. Me and Melissa enjoyed every second watching them explore their little world together. Side by side. As Seark and Saige grew up Melissa and I grew closer and closer. Melissa is the closest to a sister that I have ever had.  

But just like some birds that aren’t meant to be caged neither was she. I always knew that. Still I was devastated when out of the blue she told me she was moving across the country. She was ready to move on. I knew she had to. I was so happy for her and so sad for me. My world feels empty without her. I miss spending our days together and having someone to talk to. She was that once in a lifetime friend that would answer the phone and 2 am and drop everything if you needed her. The crazy friend that would ask for your left over breast milk and eat a cricket to entertain your 5 year old. The one that let me cry and sent me flowers when I was hurting in a way no one else understood. Defend you even if she knew you were wrong. That once in a life time friend. I miss her but know I am lucky because not everyone gets to know what that kind of friendship feels like. Not everyone gets to experience something so sweet and wild.