To the girl in the glitter bikini

Summer is here and not a minute too soon. Since the first warm day of Spring the boys have been asking when they can go in the pool. This past week was the first real pool weather that we have had. They were thrilled to go swimming. And looked way too cute in their little swim suits. Me, on the other hand... not so much. Before heading out to the town pool which is obviously a public pool I tried on every bathing suit that I owned. I have three bikinis and a one piece suit. The bikinis are from the summer before I got pregnant with Rylan. I was in good shape that summer. I had lost a ton of weight and by a ton I mean 100 pounds. I was exercising regularly (7 days a week). I felt good. I looked better than I had in my adult life. Not perfect but good. I was happy with myself. 

The summer I was pregnant with Rylan I still wore the bikini. It was hot. Maternity bathing suits are expensive. Ugly. And only useful for one season. So despite my gianormous belly and what any one else thought I wore my bikini. Besides big belly's are totally acceptable if they are incubating a baby right? 

This year I am not pregnant. Also not in the best shape. I still haven't gotten back into a regular work out routine. Yes I know Rylan is 9 months old I really need to get my ass in gear. But with three kids there isn't much time. And that isn't an excuse it is the reality. Anyway I got out all my bikinis and tried each one on. I am the same weight I was before Rylan. My clothes are the same size as before Rylan. Yet this body does not look the same. There are new stretch marks that haven't quite faded. My belly is still very flabby and a bit misshapen from another c-section. My boobs depending on the time of day are either full and border line Dolly Pardonish looking if its been awhile since I have fed Rylan or they are well just sad looking if he has recently been fed. There is no perky happy medium. There is no perky at all. So I put on my one piece suit and it didn't look much better. Sure it hid more. For as much as a bathing suit can hide anything. 

I reluctantly left the house with the one piece on and a cover up over it. Feeling super overwhelmingly self conscious. The last place you want to go is a public pool when you are feeling like a flabby beached whale. I went anyway. At the pool there were of course anorexic swimsuit model looking teenage girls. The ones you look at think I will never again look like that. Of course after they have three kids chances are they won't either. There was also a lot of women with not so perfect bodies in bikinis. One in particular stuck out. She was wearing an itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini that was pretty much all sequins. She was not over weight but by no means skinny. She was curvy. Had obviously also at some point had a c section. I could see her scar and her faded stretch marks. I am sure some would say she had no business wearing that bikini. She wore it proudly and I must say I admired her. She didn't have the perfect bikini body but still a very beautiful one. One that didn't tell a story of endless workouts and strict dieting. A body that had a carried a baby and bore the scars. A body that was enjoying life. A woman with the confidence to let everyone see the imperfect story that her body told.To me she was more beautiful than any of the ideal bikini bodies that were there that day. 

As women we constantly feel the pressure not just to strive for the perfect tiny body but to cover up appropriately the imperfect body we have. I am at a point in my life where I have learned to be happy with what is. I have thighs that are bigger than the average girls, stretch marks that are too many to count, skin that is still loose from carrying my last baby. It is what it is.  I am not ashamed of it. I don't know why I let what other people think dictate what I put on this body. So to the girl with glitter bikini... Thank you. Thank you for the reminder that it isn't about what anyone else thinks. Thank you for rocking that bikini. I thank you because you gave me the courage to rock mine again. So watch out public town pool there is an imperfect bikini body headed your way. 

9 months pregnant with Rylan in my bikini