Whenever the whole family is together our conversations circle back to my mother in law who passed away a little over 8 years ago from lung cancer. For the most part there is a lot of laughter in the memories of her. She was the kind of person that would give you her last dime. I know people say that about everyone but for her it was true. There were so many times her "less fortunate" brother would ask to borrow money and it didn't matter what she did or didn't have in the bank or what bill she needed to pay herself. No matter what he asked for she would give it to him with out a thought. Literally... I remember so many times when she would give him her last $100 and some how scrape together another $50 if he said he he needed $150. The landlord harassing her over the phone for the rent because she was late again. She just didn't care. She wrote out checks as if they were monopoly money.
It just didn't mean that much to her.
I remember almost every week when we got paid she would head over to Pier One Imports and blow just about her entire check on candles and dried flowers. Not because she needed more but because they made her happy.
Me and her worked side by side for many years. You would think sitting next to your husbands mother day in and day out would be an absolute nightmare. It was the opposite. We spent our days giggling over inside jokes and the crazy things she would do. Like smoking in our smoke free works space. It would drive our boss nuts. He would walk over because obviously he could smell the smoke. Mary would put the lit cigarette inside an ash tray in her desk drawer and shut it. I have no idea how but with a straight face. Drawer smoking she would tell him she had no idea what he was talking about. So many times she would set off the smoke alarm in the bathroom and run out before anyone saw that it was her. Of course those years of smoking combined with flawed genes would prove to be a fatal combination later on down the road.
Mary was full of love and life. And she loved EVERYBODY. Seriously everybody. She never spoke an unkind word. She embraced even the ones that were not so kind to her. She laughed. A lot. She was the type of person that would order a waffle with ice cream for breakfast if that was what she was in the mood for. Throw a hundred dollar bill in a $10 slot machine and do the max bet on her way out of the casino. She was so much fun and yet sort of understated and quiet. Then she got sick. The life. The light that shined so bright slowly faded. The chemo. The radiation. Killed the bad cells. And the good ones. Killed the light in her eyes. Days turned into weeks. Into months. A year. A year and a half. Her body became frail. Weak. Non responsive. Tired. Sad. Cancer sucks the life out of everyone who comes near. We all felt it. Not to the magnitude which she did. But in some way we all felt it.
I spent that entire year and a half making trips to hospitals and doctors office with her. Listening as doctors and nurses spoke a language I didn't understand. I googled. Researched. Learned more than I wanted to. Saw more than I was ready for. Felt a sadness I never knew existed. Cancer... stupid. Ugly. Fucking cancer eventually took her life. And destroyed everything in its path. Well almost everything. Cancer took her life. Her worldly body but her spirit the essence of who she was stays with all of us.
Mary died on November 1st, 2001. All Saints Day. Which was so fitting there is no way it was coincidence. Not just because the woman was a devout catholic and the closest damn thing to saint that I had ever met. But because she believed with her whole heart that this life. This journey was only meant to be a brief one. She had an unshakable faith. So strong not even the shitfulness that is cancer could break.
From the day Mary got diagnosed I spent everyday praying. Begging. Pleading with this God she so believed in to spare. Save her. Help her. Cure her. At some point all of the treatments became too much. The side affects of medicines that were supposed to make her better were worse than the disease that was killing her. She decided to stop it all. And begin to live. Again. Enjoy for the little time she had left some resemblance of the life she once loved. More than anything she wanted to see the ocean one more time. And so that is where we went. We spent most of the summer before she left us at the beach. Soaking up the warmth of sun. Listening to the sounds of the oceans. Waves of sadness. Peace. Acceptance. Quiet understanding that this time together was almost over and that was what she wanted. For all of this to be over. Because cancer sucks. And there was no cure.
My prayers changed. I found myself praying for God to take her. Eventually he did. He called her home and I guess that was his way of answering the prayers I was saying all along... to save her. Cure her. Help her. We just had different ideas of what that meant. I had always been terrified of death. The unknown. I sat by her side. Holding her hand. Scared to death of what those last moments would be like. Oddly enough they were peaceful and in those moments between life and death before the reality of the situation really sank in I felt at peace for her. For a moment I understood her faith. Felt that sweet agonizing relief she so desperately needed.
I dream of her often. Dreams so real. That even after I am awake I forget for a minute that she isn't here. I talk to her in uncertain times and somehow I know she hears me. I know with everything in me that she was the angel that saved Aidan on the day he was born. Because she knew the pain of living a life missing a child and knew I wasn't strong enough for that.
Cancer has taken too many people I love. CANCER SUCKS!!! In this ever changing, technologically advanced world, we gain hope. Everyday research brings progress. A step closer to a cure. An answer to a prayer.
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