grocery store olympics

Taking three kids out (alone) is always an adventure. I usually try to order my groceries on line so that I can skip the hassle of going grocery shopping with the boys. Which is great except I usually decide to order when I realize we are out of everything. Delivery unfortunately is not instantaneous. It should be. Obviously if I have to order my groceries on line I have no time and need them right away. Shoprite doesn't care. Delivery is always next day. Every now and then when we are down to the wire I have to make the dreaded trip. I don't even bother making a list. I just grab what ever I can as fast as I can and get the hell out. It is what I like to call grocery store Olympics.

First of all just trying to figure out how to get the kids situated in the cart and still have room for any food is like trying to figure out a Rubik's cube. You can just assume by that statement I have never actually correctly sorted out a Rubik's cube. I am not ashamed of it either, I don't even see the point. Much like grocery shopping with three kids in tow... there is no point. You go in defeated knowing your not getting nearly everything you need to the moment you realize there is no practical way to fit these kids in the damn cart. That cart with the baby seat fixed to the front of it looks so tempting. Tempting and nauseating. I just know the one time I use it that we will be making a trip to the pediatrician with in 24 hours because Rylan caught coxsackie virus. Which is indeed as gross as it sounds.

I know Seark is three. He is perfectly capable of walking. Capable and completely unwilling. He has a thing about walking on shiny floors... he won't. Thank god Aidan is old enough to walk. And that is about all he will do. You can't ask him to grab something he is closer to. It's like asking my husband to get something out of the fridge for you. It takes twice as long as he blankly stares at the shelves. Almost like he has been blind folded spun around and is trying to get the tail on the donkey. I wind up just doing it myself. After saying "right there.... no right in front of you.... no that right, right by your hand. How do you not see it?! Oh forget it",

Chances are we went to the store for Lactaid milk for Seark. Seark loves milk. So much he could be on that show my strange addiction. Only problem with that is, Seark is lactose intolerant. I stock up best I can but I always find myself running short on milk. Most trips are made for Seark like a crack run only for dairy free milk. It 90% of the time is also the one thing I leave the store with out.  How on earth does that happen? Probably because I don't make a list.

After I have squeezed everything I possibly can with out completely burying the kids we head to check out. I don't know why but this is the point of the inevitable melt down. For at least one of them. I feel like the sprinter in first place so excited to see the finish line I get all tripped up and face plant. A stunning moment of tremendous embarrassment. On lookers gasp all with one collective thought... she almost made it out unscathed. Almost. Close but no cigar. Rylan wailing and frantically grasping for any shiny wrapper his small chubby fingers can reach. Seark digging himself out from under the mountain of food it takes to keep this family fed. Aidan whining that his legs are tired and this is taking too long.

I struggle to hear the total as my kids cries become louder. TWO HUNDRED THIRTY EIGHT DOLLARS MA'AM!!! Ok relax I am a little overwhelmed if you haven't noticed no need to break out the megaphone voice. I grab my wallet only to discover there is nothing in it. Nothing except for a smashed oreo in the change compartment. And all of the slots where credit cards go are filled with WWE cards. All of this in vain?! Dear god... please let me find something, anything in this over sized diaper bag filled with their crap. Dear god please don't make me leave this cart and go home just to come back and do it again. Dear god turn these John Cena collector cards into a mastercard...... aha my debit card!!!

For some reason once everything is in bags it doesn't fit in the cart the same way it did before. It doesn't fit at all. Shit I am going to have to take the kids out. Pushing a grocery cart with one hand while the other one secures a baby on your hip is no small feat.  Neither is making it through a parking lot of asshole drivers that don't slow down despite seeing you trying to make this near impossible trip to your car. Once at the car as I mentally curse out the guy that nearly ran me over a man stops at my trunk and says... Gee you really have your hands full. Can I help?
Although touched by his kindness I think what a weirdo and politely say no.

Finally we are home I manage to drag in 15 bags all in one shot plus Ry. I should be given a medal just for that. Once finally settled in Seark lays on the couch and says I tired can I have my hot baba.... SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT I FORGOT THE F#$%ING MILK!!!!!!!!