I am that asshole...

Saturday morning. My alarm clock known as Crylan gets me out of bed promptly at 5am. I have finally come to terms with this ungodly hour that we must rise and shine and take full advantage of it on the weekend. Since my husband is home instead of making coffee and daydreaming about my bed like I do the rest of the week on Saturday and Sunday mornings I go for a long walk/jog with my pint size companion. 

We complete our 7 miles. Come home in time to make everyone breakfast before they are up. And usually have enough time to eat before Rylan is ready for his 3 hour nap which I find completely selfish of him. Don't get me wrong I like the down time and to be able to shower in peace and all that. But anything beyond an hour is just rubbing in the fact that we do this sleep stuff on his terms. 

Anyway I take my shower. Get dressed. And decide today is the perfect day for the zoo. More specifically the Bronx Zoo. I straighten the house quick. Get the other kids dressed. Pack my diaper bag. Nag my husband to hurry up. And before we leave the house glance at the calendar to make sure I am not forgetting anything we were supposed to do today. Nope nothing on the calendar for Saturday. But there is a pool party for Seark's little friend on Sunday. I think to myself good thing it is tomorrow since today is relatively cool and overcast all day. 

We hop in the car and go. There is little to no traffic and before I know it we are parking at the zoo in a spot that is in Bumblefuck... literally we had to walk like a mile to the zoo entrance apparently I wasn't the only that thought it was a great zoo day. Just then I get a text saying "hey mama you guys coming?" Immediately my mind starts to race... coming? Coming to what? Hey Jay did I mention that I had anything to do today? OH. MY. GOD. I FORGOT BEN'S PARTY!!! Oh wait what is today? It is Saturday right? I have that on the calendar for Sunday... Shit I must have put it on the wrong day!

We are already in the Bronx. By the time we got back the party would be more than half over. I text my friend (Ben's mother) and apologize for the mix up. I genuinely feel terrible! I hate when people respond yes and don't show up! But it was an honest mistake... Just like the time Aidan's class mate/ friend had a party on Sunday and I remembered on Monday when we saw his mother at school. Or like today when I headed out to the beach. Called my mother on the way their to let her know I was going but would be home in time to go shopping with her because we were coming back early because I had something to do at 4:00... I just couldn't remember what?! I did finally remember what that what was at 9:00 tonight... My childhood freind's grandmother's wake!!! Totally forgot... and lost track of time so I didn't go on that shopping trip either! Seriously what an asshole I am?! Write this shit down for god sake! 

Back to birthday party mishap. So we missed the party on Saturday. Sunday morning I look at the calendar on the fridge and think what a shame the party isn't today. It is so beautiful out! Still bummed that I screwed it up. I carry on with the day. Go to my mom's the pool for a bit. Take the kids out to eat. When I get a phone call asking where we were today? Oh no why? What did I miss? 

Turns out I wrote pool party on the calendar for Sunday because we were invited to a pool party on Sunday... but not for Ben... this one was for Luke! Which I forgot about altogether and just assumed I mixed up the days for Ben's party. Long story short... we missed both parties!! 2 events in 2 days that I completely flaked on is a new record for me and one that I am not proud of! I am that asshole that I hate in other people! And I don't want to be! No one wants to be an asshole... clearly... but I just can't seem to get it together! 

Its that moment when you realize that maybe everyone else isn't an asshole. Maybe they genuinely forgot about your party or play date just because they forgot and not because you weren't important enough to remember. Which doesn't really make the forgetting any better... so from now on I vow to use that little reminder thing on my phone. To be diligent about writing things down. Most of all to stop being that asshole I hate in other people. 

Sandpaper in your vagina?!

This morning like every other morning me and the kids came downstairs. Out of habit when I go to bed I put on the Disney channel. This way if one of the kids turns on the TV before me I know it is on a safe channel. Last night I went out for coffee with a friend. Got home late. The kids were already in bed. My husband was sound asleep too. I turned the TV on and watched a few minutes of Seth Meyers before I heard Rylan crying. I figured I would feed him get him settled and come back downstairs. I didn't. I nodded off in the rocking chair with Rylan and by the time I put him in the crib I just got into bed.

So we all head downstairs and into the living room. The TV is already on. I look around for the remote quick but don't see it. I get side tracked with letting the dogs out, changing Rylan's diaper and being bombarded with questions about what we are having for breakfast.

Mom this show is still on I want to watch something else. 

Okay Aidan just give me a minute.

Mom it's an adult show. You better change it! 

What's on?

Hoda something and some annoying lady.
(The Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb)

Well I will just be one more minute. That show isn't bad anyway.
(I mean really it is 9 am on a Tuesday morning on regular TV how bad could it be?)


MOM THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT S E X!!!!!

I grab Rylan and run in the living room to change the channel. Aidan and Seark are very intently watching the Today Show. Gahhhhhh I can not find the remote. I am tossing pillows off the couch. On my hands and knees looking under the coffe table. Yes! There it is! I had not really heard much of what they said up until this point. I ask Aidan what channel he wants to watch. Start to type in 1 - 2 - when I hear the guest on the Today Show say "And the then you go to have sex and it feels like there is SANDPAPER IN YOUR VAGINA!"

SANDPAPER IN YOUR VAGINA!!!! 
SANDPAPER IN YOU  BAGINA!!!
Cackling like two wild hyenas...

Mom why did she say that? Why would you put sand paper IN your vagina?! Wait what does she mean by IN YOUR VAGINA? Do you have a hole in it... like a butt hole?! 

A bagina butt hole....
(Seark chimes in) 

The boys are so hysterical they can barely catch their breath. Of course I am laughing too... but somewhat nervously as I have no idea how I am going to redirect this one with out answering any questions. I change the channel and walk into the kitchen while they are lost in laughter. Praying they just forget the whole thing and move on.

I finish getting everyone breakfast. We eat. Play some games. They are lining up little men. When Seark bursts into laughter and a in sing songy type of way says "Saaaaaaand Paaaaaaaper in your Vaaaaaagiiiiiiiina" Which brings Aidan back to the original questions.

The best I could do was... well you know that is where babies come out of. So that is the hole that she is talking about. But no one puts sand paper in it. She was just being silly.

"Silly by saying that sex feels like sandpaper in your vagina?! I don't get it. What is sex anyway?" 

Aidan I am going to be very honest with you... YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS CONVERSATION AND THERE ARE NO MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT IT TODAY... OKAY?

Okay... Can I ask dad when he gets home? 

I have no idea when these kind of talks are supposed to take place. I have always been a firm believer that if they are old enough to ask a thoughtful question then they are old enough for an honest answer.... until today.... when my sweet little 7 year old asked me "what's sex anyway?"
It is definitely not time for that. But thanks Hoda and Kathie Lee for putting this mom on the spot and the reminder... we only watch Disney Jr. in this house!





I drop

Moms judging Moms

Look. At. Her. Does she own a mirror? She looks like she just rolled out bed. Threw that kid in the car and fled the house. Are those sweat pants or pajama pants? And what's with the hair?Ithink there is a cheerio in there.  I mean she only has one kid?! Surely she has the time to.... shhh shhh shhh here she comes. Hi Love! How are you? So glad you could join us today. You look so cute and comfy. (insert air kisses)

Ummmm we are at the park why is she wearing a dress and heals? Who wears heals to the park to chase around a 3 year old?! I mean REALLY?! She's married. She has three kids. Who the hell is she trying to impress coming to the park like she is headed to a beauty pageant?! She must stick her kids in front of the TV while she does her hair and make up. I don't have time for that and I don't want my kids rotting their brain on Sponge Bob just so I can look cute. Hey gorgeous! You always look fabulous! 

Oh. My. God. I stopped by _________'s house the other day with out calling and it was like 3:00 and she answered the door in her underwear and a t-shirt. The kids still had their pajamas on... the ones that were dressed that is. I think she may have even had on her make up from yesterday. The house was a disaster. I mean  D I S A S T E R!!! Shit everywhere. Toys. Clothes. Clean and dirty. Papers. Crayons. The dogs were eating cereal that was stuck to the baby. I. WAS. IN. SHOCK. I had no idea she was like that. She always looks so put together.

Have you been to _________'s house? We went there for a play date and let me just tell you her house is immaculate. Like museum type shit. Not a spec of dust anywhere. Kids can't sit on the furniture. We had to take our shoes off. I was afraid to breathe. I even passed on COFFEE! I was afraid I would spill it and she would freak out! Seriously my house might be messy but my kids are happy. I would hate to live with her. Those poor kids!

Did you see she is still breastfeeding that baby. He almost 1. Time to stop if you ask me.
Formula? Oh no! I would never give my babies formula. I don't understand why anyone does?!
We only eat organic. It's unfortunate people are so uneducated and feed their kids processed crap.
Crunchy moms... haha... more like hippies. Welcome to the 21st century. They sell baby food already made.
Attachment parenting? Don't make me laugh. Do I look like a kangaroo?! I don't need to wear my baby I already carried him for nine months. Besides I don't want to spoil him.
It makes me sick when I see moms not holding their baby enough. You can't spoil a baby. Stop being selfish your baby needs you.
You cloth diaper? That's just weird. And gross. It's like shitting your pants and wearing them again. No thanks.
You don't cloth diaper... don't you care about the environment?! There are chemicals in disposable diapers. You should really read up on that.
I can't believe people vaccinate their babies! It's crazy to put all those toxins into their little bodies. Besides those diseases aren't even around anymore. And haven't they heard they cause autism?!
I can't stand people that don't vaccinate! Diseases are making a come back because they are irresponsible.
Is little ________ Rolling over? Sitting up? Walking? Talking? Waving? Mine is because he is a fucking genius sorry yours isn't I am sure he will catch up sooner or later.
Cry it out!!! NEVER!!! I NEVER LET MY BABY CRY. EVER! I don't care if we co sleep until he is 25. It is just cruel to leave them crying in their crib where babies normally sleep wondering if their mother has abandoned them just so you can have a good night sleep with out worrying you will smother your child. Sure he rolls off the bed but better fall on his head than cry himself to sleep.
You co-sleep? Sexless marriages are great anyway. Enjoy getting kicked in the face for the next five years.

Why do we do it? Why do we judge each other? Why can't moms just agree that we are all doing our best. Whatever that means. My best is not your best. And vice versa. My way no matter how great it works for me will not work the same for you. We are different people raising different children. Moms should stick together. Be in it... this mom thing together. There should be no unspoken park dress codes. No judgement about the way I feed my baby. What happens in my bedroom is no body's business. Just because my house was a wreck when you stopped in doesn't mean that is how I live. It means it is the day before the cleaning lady comes and I am giving myself a break. And yes sometimes it takes me until 3:00 to get it together. My old T shirt and underwear are comfortable and I wasn't expecting anyone... shoot me. I may have looked like I rolled out of bed last week when I saw you but I didn't. I actually didn't even get to get in bed at all because my teething infant was up all night and wanted to be held. ALL. NIGHT. I thought about getting dressed before I left the house but by the time I got everyone else ready it was getting late and I just didn't have the energy or the time left. And yes when I do feel like it I put on make up and do my hair. Throw on my favorite sundress and matching Gucci heels and head out to the park. Not because I want to impress you or anyone else. Because I am a girl and I like to feel like one from time to time. I vaccinate my kids because I feel the benefit out weighs the risk but I will not chase your kid around with a needle because you chose not to. I also won't blame you when I hear there is a measles out break... though I might make you aware that it is happening. I co slept with my first and learned that wasn't really for us. That cute cuddly baby became and giant kid that hogged the bed and wouldn't settle down unless someone was sleeping next to him. So yes I let my last cry it out. And so far he doesn't show any signs of permanent damage. During the day I hold him too much I even baby wear and he hasn't spoiled like rotten milk but maybe he isn't walking yet because he hasn't had the need to as I carry him everywhere. While we are on it... let's talk about milestone's. STOP COMPARING YOUR LITTLE ONE TO MINE. They shouldn't be competing and you shouldn't be keeping score! In a year from now when they are both doing the same thing it won't make one shit of a difference who said mama first. So stop. Stop comparing. Stop judging. Stop thinking your way is better. Because it isn't. I f I am making mistakes that aren't hurting anyone... let me. Don't assume my kids are neglected because I look nice and my house is clean and I won't assume you are dirty because your house was a mess and your kid eats rocks.

Let's agree on this one thing... life would be easier in the mommyhood if we stop assuming we know it all. Don't smile to my face and talk behind my back. Being a bitch is better than being a phony bitch. If you see me struggling and think you know a better way... I will gladly take any advice you offer as long as you don't shove it down my throat. I know you are doing your best even if you aren't doing it my way. And I don't want you to. What I do want is a friend. Someone that understands and knows just how hard this job is. Someone who will over look the cheerios on the floor. Laugh at the little things only another mom could understand. Tell me tomorrow will be better when I am so tired I could cry. Guess if the foreign object in the poopie diaper was swallowed or just fell in there when  I text you a picture. Smile and nod even if you don't agree because that's what mom friends are for. If I want someone to second guess my every decision I will consult with my husband

How old are you?!

I find myself constantly reminding Aidan of his age. The older he gets the more often I do it. Sometimes I even jump ahead to the next age as his birthday approaches. For example both boys will be fighting over a toy. I tell them to knock it off. I make Seark give the toy back to Aidan. The one he had no interest in until Aidan picked it up. Seark will give it back. Not with out some serious protest. But he will relinquish the toy. No sooner Aidan will take the opportunity to tease Seark with the toy. Rub it in his face that he won this one. That mom took his side. Hold it over it head... literally because he towers over Seark. That's when I hear the words coming out of my mouth... "Really Aidan how old are you... almost 8 years old!!! Too old to be dangling a toy in front of your 3 year old brothers face intentionally to make him cry". 

Today I was in the kitchen getting the kids breakfast. I love that they ask for the things they want like I am a waitress that will just keep making laps around their table bringing them their latest request on command. For example... 

Mom can I have cheerios. 

Sure. Would you like milk in them? Fruit? 

Milk. 

I bring Aidan the cheerios. Sit down with my hot coffee. 

Mom can I have strawberries in my cereal. 

Sure. Banana's too?

No. 

Bring Aidan his cheerios with milk and strawberries. Sit back down with my luke warm coffee. Two bites later he says would mind getting me a banana too? 

Mom can I have a bagel?

Searkie I was just in the kitchen I asked you what you wanted and you said nothing. 

I want a bagel. I want a bagel now. Can you get me a bagel now? Mom can you get it. A bagel. Now. 

Get Seark his bagel with cream cheese. Ask what he wants to drink. Although he says nothing I bring him a sippy with green tea because that is what he asks for everyday with breakfast. Sit down with my room temperature coffee. 

Mom can I have a drink? 

Yup here is your green tea. 

I don't want that. Can I have water? 

Yup. Aidan you want something to drink too? 

No. I drank the milk from my cereal. 

(ewwww but ok)

Get Seark his water and sit down with my now very cold coffee. 

You know what mom I will take a drink. 

Oh for god sake Aidan then you have to get it yourself I have been in and out of the kitchen 10 times already and I haven't even gotten to take a sip of coffee. You are 7 years old and definitely tall enough to reach a glass and get your own water. At the very least old enough to know that you want a drink or fruit or milk or whatever when I ask you... not after I sit down because you already said no. 

Forget it if Aidan has a tantrum. I have no patience for tantrums or whining to begin with. I can't stand it when Seark does either of those things. I give him a little grace because he is still so little. But Aidan... I hate to admit it but I have zero tolerance when it comes to him behaving that way. He's just too old to be acting like a baby?! As I go to remind him of his age for the 100th time I realize in that "I'm an awful mommy moment" that maybe it is me that needs to be reminded of his age instead. 

I write about rocking Rylan and not wanting these nights to be nearing an end. I write about taking away Seark's binky and baba and how hard it is for me because I don't really want him to be a big boy yet. And then there is Aidan who is subject to my own hypocritical double standard. As much as I get annoyed by these little things I am truthfully more annoyed with myself for not having more patience. Aidan is still my baby. My first little love. The beautiful babe that changed my life. The world as I knew it.  The boy that made me a mommy. Why am I rushing him? It is no secret that Aidan is not the easiest child. I often wonder has he just used up all my patience? Of course the answer is no. Unfortunately being a mom is a work in progress. I realize that a lot of Aidan's behaviors even the ones I don't like stem from me setting the tone for what is acceptable. 

 Independent is not something that I let him be. I have cuddled and coddled and practically smothered the independence right out of him. I have held his hand, made his plate, let him have his way, and catered to his every whim since the day he arrived on the planet. In trying to do everything right I made the mistake of not letting him do anything for himself.  Which makes me question when I am telling to him to act his age... what does that mean... to him? And to me? What is typical 7 year old behavior? I have no clue as Aidan is my only 7 year old. I do know that things need to change. For the better. For the benefit of both of us. It's safe to say the constant reminder of the date on the calendar and how that coincides with his birth is not the way. So where do we go from here... I'd be lying if I said I knew. But I have a feeling we will be taking baby steps to get there. 

Brotherly Love

You stupid boy!
Mom!!! Seark called me a stupid boy!

Seark stop it! Stop calling Aidan names. No one is stupid.

You stupid boy!
Mommmmmmm! Do you hear him he is still calling me a stupid boy!

Why?! Why is he calling you a stupid boy?! What are you doing to him???? 

Nothing! 

Translation to nothing = taking and hiding pieces to the puzzle that Seark is already struggling to put together. Why? Why would Aidan do such a thing? Pure entertainment. The fact is that after spending the last month and a half home from school for the summer him and Seark have spent entirely too much time together. So much so they have found that they have one thing in common... they love to annoy each other.

Aidan if you don't leave Seark alone you are going to go in time out... understand? Rolling your eyes is not an acceptable answer. If you understand the words coming out of my mouth nod your head yes.... thank you. 

Seark if you call Aidan a stupid boy again you will also go in time out... got it? Good. 

I am not even in the living room for 10 seconds when I hear the final "You stupid boy" which is really more like "choooo stuuuuupid boyeeeeeeee!!!!!"

That's it you are BOTH in time out!!! 

Time out. Something that occurs in this house several times a day. On a good day. I hate time out. It would honestly be easier to let them torment each other for hours on end than it is to get them to sit quietly in time out. Yes I fully expect them to sit quietly. The time out count down won't even start until they are quiet. Plus 5 minutes is added for every fresh talking back comment that is made towards me. So it is likely that a five minute time out will turn into a 50 minute time out. Yeah I know you are thinking 50 minutes?! Yes we have already had a 90 minute time out. Clearly it can take Aidan awhile to remember that we are playing by my rules and that one of them is no talking back.

So I pull up two chairs and tell them to both sit. They do. And instantly it starts. He is looking at me. He is touching me. He is annoying me. Tell him to stop looking at me. You stupid boy. Stop saying that. Move over. Don't breathe like that. Mom he is rolling his eyes. He is kicking my chair, I can still feel him looking at me?! At this point I am ready to blindfold the two of them while sitting back to back so there is no way anyone can look at anyone! I may have even threatened to do such a thing.

Why can't they just get along?! Siblings should be built in friends! And they are going to have to be because mommy hates play dates. Aidan always wants to have a friend over. I always tell him... he's already here. To which he answers... Seark?! Really?! I don't want to play with him!!! Granted there is a bit of an age difference and I know that is a huge factor but I wish they would realize sooner than later that even though they may both be totally annoying in the end family is all you got.

A lesson I am admittedly still learning. For years I have had my ups and downs with my brother. More downs than I would like but such is life. The older I get I do realize... friends... they come and go. Some last longer than others. Some I even love like family... but they aren't. And there is a difference. My brother on the other hand no matter what will always be, well, my brother. My first friend. My best friend. He will always be annoying. I will always annoy him. We won't always see eye to eye and sometimes it will feel like we never will. But somehow when it comes to the important things we will be there for each other. That's all that matters. If only I could make my boys see that sooner... like now. Maybe just maybe they would be a little kinder to one another. Until then I see lots of time outs in our future... possibly while blindfolded back to back.

You have how many kids?!

Last week I was in the mall with the boys. Sitting on a bench. Aidan on my right reading the comic book that he just bought . Seark on the left playing with his new mini mates. Ry in the stroller decorating the floor with cheerios. Everyone was quiet and content as we waited for my husband to meet us there. Plenty of people walked passed without giving us a second look. Some stopped and fussed over the baby or complimented their behavior. I got the usual oh my three boys! Nothing out of the norm until an older man late 60's I would guess walked right up to me and said "what are you attempting to repopulate the world or do you just really like having babies?" No hint of humor. No smile. No kind eyes. Straight sarcasm! Normally I am very quick on my feet. Witty. Always know what to say. Not today. It took me a minute to even process what he had said because it was so unexpected! I stared at this grumpy old man with my mouth in the fly catching position unable to utter even a single word. Not that he waited. I assume the question was rhetorical as he walked away before I could come up with any type of response.

Repopulate the world? I wasn't aware that such a thing needed to occur. Like having babies?! What the fuck?! Like seriously... WHAT THE FUCK?!

People can be so strange. Rude. Inconsiderate. Prying. I am not sure what makes anyone else think that they are entitled to say what ever comes to their head. Like "are they all yours?!" or "Bless your heart with ALL THOSE BABIES" and the latest "Are you trying to repopulate the world?"

One: Yes they are ALL mine. I am not the baby sitter. The Aunt. Cousin. Sister. Friend. No this is not a play date. Class trip. Whatever. No I am not trying to make my own baseball team. I don't even watch it but I do know you need at least nine players and I don't have anywhere near that many kids! And if I did it would still be none of your business.

Two: I don't know if you are seeing double or maybe confused but I only have 3 children. Which is really not that many. Nor is it uncommon. Three well behaved children that are being loved. Raised. Well cared and paid for by me and my husband. Yes we are aware they are expensive and that college is too.

Three: Yup they are all boys. Yes I know I am going to have my hands full. For god sake skip the sad face. I am not disappointed about it and you shouldn't be either... mostly because will never see you again.

Four: No they weren't "accidents". Yes I have heard of birth control. I surely know where babies come from and how mine all came to be. Finally all the above is none of your business.

Five: If you see a mom out with multiple children unless you feel compelled to tell her how beautiful her children are or that she is doing a wonderful job with them... MOVE ON! Having kids and more than one is decision that is made with consideration by a family not something that happens by accident. We know what we signed up for and are happy about it even if you find that hard to believe.

 So to the grumpy old man if I had more that a second to gather my thoughts I would not have bothered to explain any of this to you because you aren't worth my time but I would have totally called you an asshole... with a smile on my baby lovin' face!

Spread awareness

You know the feeling when you get devastating news? That air sucked out of your lungs. Hard to breathe. Pain in your chest. Sick to your stomach feeling? For a moment the world literally stops spinning and you want it to. The sadness. The despair you feel is so heavy it might just suffocate you because you just don't have the means to lift it. Everything else in your life might be perfect. But in this grief stricken moment you are blinded by pain. A feeling so intense it is all consuming. At some point most of us have felt it... if we are lucky for only a moment.

Imagine living every single day of your life stuck in that moment with only brief sparks happiness that come far and few between. Beautiful brilliant bursts of light that color the darkness but fade as fast as fireworks on the fourth of July. Can anyone really live like that? Sadly more people than you would think actually do. According to ADAA (American Depression and Anxiety Association) depression is the leading cause of disability for ages ranging from 15-44. Currently there are 14.8 million adults in the US living with major depression. Death by suicide occurs once every 16.2 minutes says the CDC (center for disease control) leaving an estimated 4.5 million suicide survivors to carry on with life affected by such tragedy.

Depression is as real as cancer. It is a disease of the mind that although often treatable is incurable. Suicide is not a choice. Just like a heart patient may die from a heart attack even after taking every preventive measure... a person suffering from severe depression my take their own life after seeking professional help and taking every precaution advised. Yet when someone dies from a heart attack we don't call them selfish because they ate that bacon cheeseburger even though they knew the risks. Depression is so largely misunderstood.

Robin Williams among countless others was not selfish. Was NOT a coward. He was genius plagued so deeply by this disease that even the joy he so freely gave to others could not touch the sadness he carried with in. He put up one hell of fight. Battling demons most can't imagine hidden by that smile on his face. Living a hell that most can't understand all while making the world laugh. I don't know that he could have been more selfless. More brave. It is a shame that we live a world that is so quick to judge. Unable and unwilling to feel compassion for what they don't understand.

I will remember Robin Williams for the comic genius that he was. A personality larger than life. The gift of laughter that he gave so many. I will honor him by spreading awareness. In hopes for better understanding and little more compassion towards those that also suffer.

For more information and ways to help visit SAVE.org
If you are in crisis there is help 1-800-273-8255

A loss no one can see

I think about you... more than anyone knows. More than anyone cares to. I think about you. I think about you when I look at Rylan. He is the rainbow that gave me hope. After the storm that was you. I think about what went wrong and why. I wonder why you were only given to me for too brief a time. I think about you even though you aren't here with us. I think about you because you were. With me anyway.

I think about how excited I was to meet you. All the things I had dreamed for you. The little pink outfit I bought for you.  How happy we were to tell everyone about you. Of course at the time we didn't know that we were about to lose you.

Miscarriage. A word I had heard. Knew what it meant. Or so I thought. Miscarriage. I word that didn't apply to me. Other people maybe. I was aware that even friends of mine had been through them. But not me. Never me. Until you...

I watched your little heart flutter on the screen and felt mine do the same. A beating heart. A baby with a beating heart. I silently thanked God and breathed a sigh of relief. But something was wrong. I didn't know it yet. But your heart would only beat for another week. Every night I laid my hands on my belly and prayed. I prayed for you and your tiny beating heart. I prayed for me and my breaking heart. Maybe that is why I got to see your amazing heart beat one last time before it did no more.

Your heart stopped and it felt like the world did too. On Christmas morning with a house full of kids and presents and wrapping paper and family. I sat frozen. With you in my hands. Unsure of where my next breath was coming from. Just me. You. And my broken heart. Tears flooded my eyes and streamed down my face. As I sat. So Still. Studying you. What would become arms and legs. Tiny hands and feet. The smallest face I had ever seen. For a moment I imagined you in my arms. Not in the palm of my hand. I could feel myself instinctively wanting to rock you.

I think of you so, so often. You were not simply a miscarriage. I hate that word with everything in me. A baby from the moment of conception is a miracle. A promise. A love. A life.  You were my third baby. I lost you. I don't know why. And even though you were gone before I got to know you. I loved you. I love you. And letting you go... was not possible. I laid you to the rest in the only place I saw fit. With your Grandma Mary. I left a piece of my heart their with you. The piece that belongs to you. I keep you in that empty space. You are a part of us. This family. The part of me that no one else can see. And because of that I will always think about you...

Time to fly



Do you know how birds get their little ones to fly? By letting them fall. Maybe not so much letting. They make the fall the mandatory. Mama bird will refuse to come to the nest to feed her fledglings. Instead she will stand near by with the food the babies so desperately want. Keeping it just out of reach. Enticing them to step out of their comfort zone. Out of the safety and security of the nest. She forces them to step out. Fall. And get back up. Until they spread their wings and fly.

What a way to learn. Just as birds instinctively learn to fly with out being taught babies will learn to walk. Run. And Eventually fly. I like most moms am quite the opposite of mama bird. When Aidan went for his 6 month well visit the pediatrician asked me if was rolling over. Rolling over? No. Why? Should he be? So then he asked well if you put a toy out of his reach will he attempt to get it? What? No. Why would I put a toy out of his reach? Oh so he will be motivated to roll over and get it. Got it. No. Haven't done that.

I want my babies to stay safe with in the nest. I hate those first few weeks when they begin to walk. Their legs so unsteady and unsure. They fall. Often. Get bumps and bruises. Every time I see Ry wobble my instinct is to grab him. Catch him before his little booty hits the floor. As often as I can I resist the urge to never let him falter. By now I have learned that it is only through falling that they learn how to get up.

So when Aidan asked to do Tree Top Adventure an obstacle course 10 feet in the air. 15 unique challenges. All requiring balance. Coordination. Agility. Focus. Normally words that are not in Aidan's vocabulary. Aidan who is clumsy. Mostly uncoordinated and distracted was drawn to this thrilling feat and begging to do it. Every thing in me wanted to tell him no. No there is no way I am going to let you do this. No because it is dangerous. No. Because once you get up there you can not just change your mind and get down. No. I don't even think you are capable for god sake you can't take five steps on even ground with out falling. Just no. Despite every no running through my mind... I said yes. I think because deep down I knew all the no's were more about my fears than his.

So I signed him up. He got all hooked up. They went over all of the instructions and safety regulations. I repeated everything to Aidan as if I was a translator making sure he understood every word. I quizzed him to be sure he had indeed paid attention and absorbed the information he needed to make his way through this course. He shot me several "mom you are embarrassing me glares" but I didn't care. Before I knew it Aidan was up. It was his turn. I silently prayed ... Oh dear God guide him through this. Please don't let him fall or freak out. Dear God guide me through this. I might need it more than him."

I stood on the ground staring up at Aidan. About to start the first challenge. His hands shaking. Cheeks red. My hands shaking. Face flushed. When he turned to me and said "I can't do it. I am afraid". I wanted to run over to one of the guides and tell them he can't do it. Please just get him down. Instead I said "You got this. Calm down. Focus. Put one foot in front of the other. Take your time. You totally got this".  I was terrified I was wrong. And then he put one foot in front of the other and started to go. He got it. He made it through the first challenge, then the second, third, and so on. Slow. Steady. Focused. He made it through the course. On his own. I have never been more relieved as I watched him come down the last step. I could see the pride in his eyes. He was so proud of himself. Because he did it. Even though he was afraid... he did it. He was so proud of himself and so was I.

I couldn't help but think maybe all this time I had been holding him back because I was afraid to let him fall. All this time he hadn't learn to fly because I was holding his wings when I had only intended to hold his hand. I let him go. Instinctively he spread his wings. It was bittersweet to watch him soar.

Rated M (for mature audiences 17 years and older)

Aidan begged for what felt like forever for an XBOX. All my friends have it.... why can't I? I am the ONLY  kid that doesn't have one. Can I get an XBOX for my birthday? How about Christmas? Finally at some point he wore us down and we agreed to buy him. Before it got hooked up we gave Aidan the XBOX rules. The XBOX can only be played on the weekends or when you get enough stars to earn extra game time. You can play it for no more that 2 hours a day even on the weekend and when you earn extra time. When time is up there is no whining. There is absolutely NO down loading. Anything. At all. You play the games that WE buy for you and that is it. You are only allowed to play games rated E (everyone). No T (teen) and never M ( mature 17+). If any of the rules are broken the XBOX will be taken away for good or at the very least until you are old enough to follow the rules... got it? Of course Aidan desperate to get his hands on controller would have agreed to anything in the moment.

Like anything else Aidan is not content to just be. He needs to push the boundaries. Test the limits. Break the rules. Push your buttons. I am not sure why. It never ends well for him and you think that he would realize this by now. So you can assume that getting a new XBOX along with three age appropriate games was just not enough. It never is.

These games are too easy.

These games are too babyish.

These games are not what I wanted.

Can you get me different games. Just one T game. Everyone else has T games. Why can't I?

Can I download something the games I have are boring. Why is there a lock on here? Can you take it off?

Leave it to my father in law to buy him a T game.  T games are rated T for a reason. Not just because they are inappropriate but because they are hard. They have story lines that are impossible for a 7 year old to follow. They can't comprehend the object of the game. It turns into an exercise in frustration for everyone involved. Especially Aidan. After too many arguments. Time outs and XBOX suspensions I gave Aidan one last chance to use the XBOX according to the original rules. I must be crazy. No sooner had Aidan gotten his XBOX privileges back... he lost them again. This time for good.

I went out with a friend for a drink for a little over an hour after being home with the kids all week while my husband was away on business. One hour. One hour that Aidan had his dad all to himself. In that 60 minutes Aidan somehow convinced his dad to download a game rated M. M for mature. Aidan is anything but mature. 17+ for a 7 year old boy. What was my husband thinking?! I still have no idea. What I do know... for the hundredth time I will be the bad guy. I will be the worst mom ever. I will be lame. I will be the one to take it away after dad said he could. I will take the brunt of the out burst that will also lead to yet another time out. So I braced myself. And simply sat Aidan down and explained to him that he had once again broken the rules. And since it seemed that his only interest was in playing T and M games that he would have to wait until he was in fact a teenager to get the XBOX back this time. It went about as badly as I had anticipated.

I hate this constant on going struggle. To do the right thing. By them. I hate that it is only going to get harder. I hate that I have to be the bad guy. I hate that is all that Aidan sees at the moment. I hate that his friends are allowed to play these games and that he feels left out. But games have ratings for a reason. I have heard other parents say well I them play/ watch because most of it goes over their head anyway. I feel like saying or so you think... don't ever underestimate your kids ability to grasp concepts that are well ahead of their time. Besides even if it is over their head by the time they get it they will have seen it so much that they are desensitized to all these images that should shock them. Often times of a violent and or sexual nature all hidden inside the video games kids are playing while being baby sat by electronic devices in the privacy of their bed room. And we wonder why kids are so screwed up nowadays?! And so Aidan said when will I be able to play a game rated M? I don't know in my opinion most of the adults I know don't fall into a category that I would consider mature. And just when Aidan starts to act his age and the tantrum has subsided Seark chimes in with "we gonna sell you XBOX on YouTube Aidan"... and it starts all over again. Even though you can't sell anything on YouTube.

Binkies and Babas ARE (not) for big boys

Seark don't open the fish food again.

Seark I told you not to open the fish food.

Seark put it back.

Seark don't dump it on the floor.

5 minutes later...

Seark if you open that fish food again you are going to be in trouble.

Seark I warned you. You have one more chance.  I am serious if you open that fish food I am going to throw out all of your bottles and binkies. Maybe if I stop treating you like a baby you will start listening like a big boy.

Otay mommia ( as he opens the fish food and dumps it all over the floor... again which Rylan ate while I got the vacuum out)

By now I know not to make threats that I can not see through. But damn I was sure that the threat of throwing out the binks and bottles would be one that would get through to Seark and he would put the fish food back. Those are his most prized possessions. Honestly getting rid of both is long over due but it was a half hearted threat because I knew how hard it was going to be for me to take them away knowing that it would make him sad. And it did... make him sad. Actually in the moment he was more than happy to help me gather all the bottles and pacifiers that we could find. He threw them all in the big white garbage bag with me. Watched me tie it up and even followed me out to the garbage and said to good bye to his belongings. We went back in the house and the day carried on as usual. I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his little brain. Maybe it was that easy and it was just me prolonging it.

Around 7:00 pm Seark began rubbing his eyes and asking to watch Sheriff Callie. A sure sign that he is ready for bed. I washed him up. Got his jammies on. Turned on Sheriff Callie. And got him all settled on the couch in his favorite spot with his favorite blankie. He watched about half of his show when he asked...

Mommia tan you get me baba to me? (he always says to instead of for and it is the cutest thing ever) 

No Searkie you remember we threw all the baba's out right?

No. No. No. Pease get me my baba to me mommia? 

Searkie mommy told you if you didn't stop messing with the fish food we were getting rid of the baba's and binks because you couldn't keep your baby stuff if you didn't listen like a big boy.

Nooooooo mommia..... Noooooooooooo. 

And then he cried himself to sleep. And I felt horrible. SO bad I almost went out to the garbage and recovered everything we tossed. Well not really but I did think about making a mad dash to the store to replace all 11 bottles and 37 binkies. But I didn't. We made it through this bed time. It was rough but it was over. Surely tomorrow and every day after would be easier. Or not. It has been 5 days now and although he isn't sobbing himself into slumber there are tears. Tears that I don't want to see. Tears that I know I could make go away if I just gave him the bottle back. But I wouldn't be doing him any favors. So I won't.

It was time. Even if he (we) weren't ready. It was definitely time. I just wish like everything else it wasn't so hard. Just another thing that he will survive and so will I.

ass burgers

This morning I made french toast and bacon while everyone was still in bed. The house filled with the sweet smell of maple bacon and home made french toast. I heard the pitter patter of a little feet coming down the stairs. I am standing in the kitchen when in walks Seark. Sweet little 3 year old Seark. Big smile on his face that is pure cuteness. "mmmmmmmm mommia smells like ass burgers in here.... hahahahahahahaha" SEARK I HAVE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES TO STOP SAYING ASS BURGER.

Rewind.. 2 days prior. Seark and Aidan are in the toy room. Arguing. Over a toy the neither one of them normally plays with. I hear them. Their little nonsensical banter. And then "AIDAN YOU GIVE IT TO ME YOU ASS BURGER." SEARK STOP SAYING THAT! ASS IS A BAD AND YOU ARE A LITTLE BOY WHO SHOULD NOT BE USING IT.

I have heard ass burger countless times in the last week. Countless. Seark has called the dog an ass burger. Used it to describe random people on the street. Characters from his favorite shows. Called his brother an ass burger. Even asked if we are having ass burgers for dinner. No matter how much I yell or put it him in time out for it he still finds it hilarious. Luckily Aidan knows better than to say it because he is old enough to know that he will get in trouble for it but he has absolutely no qualms about coaxing it out of his brother.

So how did my little darling stumble upon this term that he is so fond of? About a week ago we were at the park. There was one boy that was not playing like the other kids. He was not really playing at all. He was fresh and physical. Hitting and spitting the other kids including mine. Just as his behavior seemed to be spiraling out of control someone approached me and my boys to explain that he has Asperger's Syndrome. Admittedly I know very little about Asperger's except for that to a three year old boy it sounds an awful lot like ass burgers. And to him anything else said in that conversation was completely lost all he heard was ass burger and the giggles got the best of him. Unfortunately they still have a hold on him and ass burger gets funnier each and every time he says it. I am hoping by next week it has lost its funny factor and that he moves on to the next hilariously inappropriate thing.