A loss no one can see

I think about you... more than anyone knows. More than anyone cares to. I think about you. I think about you when I look at Rylan. He is the rainbow that gave me hope. After the storm that was you. I think about what went wrong and why. I wonder why you were only given to me for too brief a time. I think about you even though you aren't here with us. I think about you because you were. With me anyway.

I think about how excited I was to meet you. All the things I had dreamed for you. The little pink outfit I bought for you.  How happy we were to tell everyone about you. Of course at the time we didn't know that we were about to lose you.

Miscarriage. A word I had heard. Knew what it meant. Or so I thought. Miscarriage. I word that didn't apply to me. Other people maybe. I was aware that even friends of mine had been through them. But not me. Never me. Until you...

I watched your little heart flutter on the screen and felt mine do the same. A beating heart. A baby with a beating heart. I silently thanked God and breathed a sigh of relief. But something was wrong. I didn't know it yet. But your heart would only beat for another week. Every night I laid my hands on my belly and prayed. I prayed for you and your tiny beating heart. I prayed for me and my breaking heart. Maybe that is why I got to see your amazing heart beat one last time before it did no more.

Your heart stopped and it felt like the world did too. On Christmas morning with a house full of kids and presents and wrapping paper and family. I sat frozen. With you in my hands. Unsure of where my next breath was coming from. Just me. You. And my broken heart. Tears flooded my eyes and streamed down my face. As I sat. So Still. Studying you. What would become arms and legs. Tiny hands and feet. The smallest face I had ever seen. For a moment I imagined you in my arms. Not in the palm of my hand. I could feel myself instinctively wanting to rock you.

I think of you so, so often. You were not simply a miscarriage. I hate that word with everything in me. A baby from the moment of conception is a miracle. A promise. A love. A life.  You were my third baby. I lost you. I don't know why. And even though you were gone before I got to know you. I loved you. I love you. And letting you go... was not possible. I laid you to the rest in the only place I saw fit. With your Grandma Mary. I left a piece of my heart their with you. The piece that belongs to you. I keep you in that empty space. You are a part of us. This family. The part of me that no one else can see. And because of that I will always think about you...