Before you the world made sense. I was a firm believer that everything happened for a reason and that good things happened to good people and bad to bad people. Then you almost didn't make it safely into this perfectly sensible world and nothing made sense. Why me? Why you? Why us? I learned that I didn't have it all figured out and that the world is anything but logical and karma... well she can a bitch for no good reason.
Before you I felt safe. I would stay out late. Drive through bad neighborhoods without a care. Talk to strangers. Thought ever mother was over protective and over reacting to the supposed dangers out there... especially my own mother. Now you are with me where ever I go and even a mall parking lot seems scary when its just us. The nightly news is something I can't even watch because the endless stories and possibilities of what could happen are too much to think about and make me not want to leave the house with you. Or worse leave you anywhere that I can't be... like school. After the last school shooting I couldn't even bring myself to send you back. For weeks I agonized until I finally let you go. I kissed your cheek. You walked through your classroom door. And I cried. It turns out the world that once felt so safe is really scary and unpredictable. You are so unaware and I am so thankful for that. Even though that in itself scares me.
Before you I knew love. I thought at its fullest capacity. I came from a home full of love. Raised by parents that showed me nothing but love... always. I met and married your dad and we are so in love. Then I had you and all the other love I had ever known I realized was just a taste of what love is. When the man I married became your dad and has done everything he can since then to love. Protect. And provide for you. I found a deeper love for him. I finally understood the love my parents had for me. And you. My baby. I love you more than the word itself is capable of expressing. You are so much more than love. Words are not adequate when trying to define the love I have for you.
Before you I wondered what it was going to be like to be a mother. I would ask new mothers what it felt like to be a mom. And of course no one could answer in a way that I could I grasp. Until there was you. Then I understood being a mom isn't something you do. It is something that you are. Something that you always were because you and me we are inseparable. Without me there would be no you. With out you I couldn't be. From the day you started to grow inside my belly we were one. You will always be an extension of me. Part of me. Part of who I am at my core. Where ever you go no matter where in the world we will forever be strung together even if the thread isn't visible. I don't need to see it. I can feel it.
Before you... I don't remember who I was before you because as much as I have changed I am still me just a better version. Before you... well it doesn't really matter anymore what was before because life is infinitely better now and there is no going back. Now there is only you... and you are my everything. I don't know what comes next but we will find out together.
This was written for all three of my loves...
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