Confessions from the mommyhood

I am a good mom. To be honest I don't really question that ever. I am a good mom. My kids are well taken care of. Their needs all met. Physically. Emotionally. And other wise. My kids are loved beyond a love the most beings ever get to experience. They are wonderful and whiny. Sweet and Sarcastic. Adorable and annoying. One minute they will melt your hear and then next walk all over it. Seark can drive you crazy with repetitive questions and refusing to talk at an audible level. Yet the kid can throw a tantrum so clamorous and deafening that it makes the exorcist look pleasant. I admit there are some days I don't want to answer anymore questions. I feel guilty about it too. After waiting forever for Seark to say a word. Any word. I suddenly have the urge to go SHHHHHHHHHH..... it's quiet time now. There is no more talking. Which I actually do at bedtime but that urge starts around 10 am on some days. Not that I don't love everything about him because I do especially the way he says mommia when he talks to me... but after being asked the same thing for the hundredth time and answering for the hundredth time with yet just another unsuitable answer I just want the rapid fire question portion of the day to S.T.O.P. Oh and the whining. I hate the whining. Like HATE the whining. As soon as I see that sad lip coming out I hear myself saying "take that face in the other room cause because I don't want to look at it" to which Seark replies "otay mommia". Of course then I feel awful. And apparently I am not alone.

Mommyhood confession #1. I am at the breaking point with my 2 year old. She threw a temper tantrum. Screaming and kicking me when I tried to pick her up. I tried to console her but I really just wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up.

Mommyhood confession #2. "Just stop talking" I say it with out even thinking and feel like absolute shit afterwards and even worse when I tell my kids " I am busy, wait." When in fact I am not.

Mommyhood confession #3. I asked my 3 year old to "shut up for 5 seconds" after being asked how to spell very word that he could think of over the last few hours. But as soon as I saw that broken little face I told him 5 seconds was over and apologized for yelling.

Mommyhood confession #4. I snapped at my four year old yesterday and told him if he couldn't swallow quietly than he wasn't allowed to drink anymore. He started crying so I had to take a deep breath and apologize for yelling and explain that it was rude to swallow so loudly.

Mommyhood confession #5. I do the WHAT!!!! yelling at my five year old asks me a question over and over and over and I just don't want to answer anymore. My 10 year old thinks I need to get a cussing jar and pay her $1.00 every time my patience runs low. Yup, she would be rich by Christmas. (insert sad face)

#4 might possibly be my favorite because it's so true. The littlest thing. The most unexpected thing can literally make you snap, even when it s coming from that cute little person that you made and adore. There have been mommy moments that I am not proud of. Ones that I look back on and I want to cringe ... did I really say that to my kid?! And of course I did. Does it make me a bad mom? No it makes me and all the moms that were kind enough to confess... completely human. I have patience. But not of a saint. The mommy guilt over the moments of lost patience can be paralyzing but they shouldn't be. Recognizing the things you don't like about you are an opportunity to change them and hopefully not repeat the behavior. Some one said "sometimes my patience is just gone. I lose that sweet baby voice. I wish I knew a kinder way to calm him down" talking about trying to soothe her tantrum throwing baby who does not want to sleep. Ever. But I think she said it best. I wish I new a kinder way... Isn't that true of all of us.  So if you find yourself agitated by that tiny prodding person, frustrated by your inability to calm the storm that is your screaming screeching scene making toddler... and you think to yourself please just shut the F*ck up!! or worse god forbid say something along those lines... it's okay to cringe and wish you could take it back immediately but don't beat yourself up we've all been there. When you know better ... do better. Work to find a kinder way. In the mean time give yourself a little grace... kids can be exhausting. I am a good mother but my name isn't Theresa.