I like having sex with you...

I am a big card person. I love cards and give them for all occasions. Except Christmas. The holiday that I love to design and order personalized cards for but never execute the actual addressing, stamping, and more importantly mailing of. So anyway the other day when someone did something nice for me I decided to go buy a little gift and a nice thank you card.

What sort of gift do you give to say thank you? Personally I like to be thanked with alcohol. Vodka or wine preferably. But choice of liquor is so individual what do you pick for someone that you don't know that well?

(via text messaging)
Hey what do you like to drink?
Water.
No I mean alcohol.
Unless you would like the gift of Poland Spring.
Oh LOL!
(followed by no response to the actual question)
Okay last chance... or don't complain when I stop by with a fancy gift bag containing only a bottle purified water.

A day later I was headed out to buy a bottle of water and a thank you card. I decided to go with Fiji water since it looks the most prestigious among the bottled waters. My kids gravitated towards the toys which happened to be right next to the cards. Which was a nice distraction for them and gave me a few minutes to actually read the cards before I picked one. Birthday. Graduation. Communion. Baptism. Wedding. Congratulations. Humor. Sympathy. Thinking of you. Ah ha.... Thank you. Thank you cards in general suck. They are so generic and boring. There among a sea of lame "your the best" cards was one fluorescent orange card sticking out like a sore thumb. I lifted it half was out of the holder to read "I like having sex with you". Which made me giggle. Really?! I like having sex with you? Intrigued no less I had to open it and read the rest.

My quiet giggle broke out into a full hysterical laugh by the end of this "greeting card". Which of course drew the attention of my children. They came scurrying over to see what was so funny. They go from sweet smiling minions to angry mob when they aren't getting their way... and they weren't because I wouldn't let them read the card. I did however buy it. I just couldn't pass up this literary gem. I contemplated giving it to my husband with a completely straight face just see his reaction.
Which then got me to thinking have I been married so long that a card like this seems nothing more than hilarious and ridiculous?! Are people actually exchanging cards like these?! And my last thought... I need to submit a resume to American Greeting. Maybe I have missed my calling as greeting card writer.

I had to pass this humor on. At night when my mom stopped over to go for a walk I came out with the I like having sex with you card in hand and told her she had to read it before went. After she had a good laugh I threw it in my mailbox thinking I would bring it back in after our walk. Only I forgot about it when I got home. The next day on my way back from picking Aidan up from school I ran into our mail man. With a very peculiar smile he said "there is something in your mail box not addressed to anyone". I just responded ok thanks and kept walking. The card never even crossing my mind. Until I opened the mail box and there it was... right on top. Which leads me to believe that our mail man now thinks one of the following... I am really good in bed... Like greeting card worthy sex. My husband is really good in bed. Or one of us is having an affair and just got outed by a poorly written greeting card. Whatever the case I will leave it a mystery for him as the truth could not be more dull!

So if you ever feel like you want to say what's on your mind with a card there is truly one for every occasion. I can already see some type of poorly acted hallmark commercial with a tiny accessory perhaps a condom to perfectly pair with your "I like having sex you card" when the trend finally catches on. Unless it already has a I am out of the loop.

p.s. I included a $50 gift card with the bottle of Fiji water and the sex card... I mean thank you card.