In the midst of these festivities I can not ignore that feeling. That can't quite put your finger on it but something is missing... feeling. Is it the absence of family celebrating with angels? The unsettled world in general? My longing for the presence of a God I can feel? I don't know. Enjoying delicious home cooked food and wonderful company I watched the clock tick torn between relaxing with family and a full belly or getting in the car and driving to the Christmas Eve service at the church I had attended the week before. Was that even the answer? I had not found God there while attending the previous service. I wouldn't know if I didn't go.
At the last minute. I decided that church was where I needed to be. After all we are celebrating the birth of Jesus. Aidan asked if he could come. The two of use left the happy chaos of a full house and got into my quiet car. We arrived at church... early which is somewhat a Christmas miracle. Families began to pour in and fill the pews. O' Come All Ye Faithful played on the organ until all were seated. The lights were turned down and candles were lit all around. The soft glow of just candle light as the choir joined in the hymn brought me to tears. A first for me. To be so moved. At church,
The readings of the Christmas story paired with hymns sung at a perfect pitch enraptured even my easily distracted Aiden. The pastor began his sermon "The Christmas Message" and I felt as if he was were speaking only to me. "Do you find yourself looking for signs from God? That he exists? Do you ask him for something concrete in times of trouble and uncertainty?" He went on to explain that the signs that God is present are everywhere and in everything. In the face our children, the smile from a stranger in the street, in every act of kindness. But the biggest sign of all was that he gave to us his son. He finished up with the thought that maybe God is also looking for a signs from us. That we see his miracles. Feel his love. All we need to do to show Him is be good to one another. Live with virtue. Honesty. Kindness. Not just during the holiday season but to keep that message and sentiment with you all year long.
The service ended with "Silent Night". As the words left my lips I felt that void no longer. What ever I had been missing was filled. I am not even sure what with. We snuck out a minute before the service was over cause my husband had been texting me for the last 30 minutes asking how much longer we would be. His exact words. These two are done. They need to go to bed. I can't take another meltdown.
We arrived home. Tracked Santa on NORAD. According to them he was only 45 minutes away. The kids flew up their beds. Got settled and forced their eyes closed. I went downstairs to make breakfast and get it in the crock pot for the morning. Put the presents under the tree. Peel the oranges that Aiden insist we leave for the reindeer. Dump the (sour) milk that we left out for Santa. Pick up the cookies. Leaving just one with a bite taken out of it. Write a personalized note from Santa for the kids. And finally sit down to watch just a little bit of a Christmas movie. Exhausted as I was I just couldn't unwind.
I sat there staring at our tree. All the pretty packages. The lights. The mostly broken ornaments. And thought about the kids how excited they would be in the morning. And how tired I would be. I thought about church and how beautiful it was. I thought about Santa wondered why Aiden was pretending to believe. Was it because he wanted to still be among the believers or because he didn't want to disappoint me. The kids had already stumbled upon their present while wrestling when one got thrown into the closet door... breaking the hinge and exposing the stash. I thought about all the upset and angry parents posting about how some shitful kid had disillusioned theirs and told them the truth about Santa. All reiterating that same sentiment... if you don't believe you don't receive! Why? Why is everyone so hell bent on squeezing every single drop out of the mystical Santa magic? Or that god awful elf on the shelf. Why did they all seem to think that learning the truth meant the end of Christmas. I haven't believed in Santa for almost as long as I can remember and I still enjoy Christmas. After all it isn't about Santa. Or even the presents. What does it say when we go to further lengths to push the realness of a fat man in a red suit than to explain the real reason for the season.
At some point I drifted off to sleep only to be woken what felt like moments later. "MOM CAN WE GO DOWN STAIRS?! MOM CAN WE OPEN OUR PRESENTS?! That was the voice of Aiden. The only one wake! Seark was so tired he had to be carried to the presents. All my hard work torn to shreds in 10 minutes! Wrapping paper covered the living room floors as smiles spread across their faces. More excited about each gift. Rylan more excited about the paper and boxes than anything else. All the presents were opened and the kids were happily playing with their new treasures. Me and my husband sat down at the dining room table for some coffee and our traditional crock pot Christmas breakfast. We watched the kids with such joy and I thought well maybe it is a little bit about the presents. Aiden walked over and whispered in my ear "thank you for my presents mom. You got me more than I asked for." I said I am glad that you like them but they were from Santa... he said "it's okay I know that Santa is you... and I think that's even better than a fat guy in a red suit". He ran back into the living room to continue playing but not before he stopped. Turned around. And said "don't worry I won't tell Seark."
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