The other night I was out to dinner with friends and one asked me... "having three children, what advice would you give to a first time mom?" I answered without hesitation, I would tell her to relax, take care of yourself, get your baby on a good sleep schedule\ routine.
I didn't think that much more about the question that night and still stick by those answers but I wonder what I would have said when my first was only a few months old, or even one year. I have written before about the hellish first year with Aiden. I was sleep deprived which was expected. But even more so because I never put him in his crib. I couldn't. He would cry and hearing him cry felt like failing... so I never let him cry. Trying to never let your baby cry is exhausting! No its beyond exhausting. It is impossible and insane to even attempt. Because babies cry. No matter how attentive, or where they sleep, or if you never put them down they will still cry. I was sure Aiden would never walk because his feet had never hit the floor. But for the first time mom in me crying was not part of the perfect baby perfect mom scenario so I tried really hard to never let it happen. Which lead to co sleeping. Co sleeping is the best and worst thing I ever did with my son. Best because I kinda loved it. I loved having him right there. The closeness. Watching him sleep. Listening to him breathe. Stealing little kisses and stroking his baby fine hair. I loved waking up next to this little love. Watching his eyes light up when they met mine.
I hated sharing the bed. Calling it a night when he did because he would only go to sleep if you laid down with him... and only stay asleep as long as you were in bed. I can't tell you how many nights I laid in bed unable to sleep cause I had to pee so bad but didn't want to move and disturb the baby. I hated that I never really got a good night sleep because I was afraid he would fall off the bed (and he did.... more than once). I hated his little feet in my face and getting kicked and pushed. Most of all I hated being a prisoner to his terrible sleep schedule. But friends would tell me enjoy it! They are only little once! And they were right but it was only after having Seark who slept in a crib on a regular schedule that I realized how much more I could have enjoyed that short first year with Aiden. So although I see all the bed sharing attachment parenting moms cringing as they read this... in my top three parenting pieces of advice for the new mom I would say getting the sleep situation under control is probably number one. You have no idea the effect your sleep or lack there of will affect you until you spend a year with no sleep. It is where the term mombie came from.
The rest of my advice I realize don't sound anything like parenting advice but they will be more important than you can imagine. Again this is advice I would have not given even after my first year as a mom cause it is only in retrospect that it has occurred to me just how much I contributed to my own unhappiness.
Becoming a mom is such a strange, exciting, joyous and completely overwhelming experience. From the minute Aiden came into the world I felt as though everything had shifted. It was all about him. I lived and breathed baby. I read books. Called the doctor too many times. Second guessed damn near everything. I showered less often because I didn't want to leave him out of my sight. And thanks to the bad sleeping habits I had created I didn't even get the reprieve of the coveted nap time would hear other mothers talk about. I stopped exercising other than walks I could take him on with me which were very short because he hated sitting in the stroller. I cut my hair short to make it more manageable cause I didn't have the time to blow dry and flat iron it and make up... what was that? I lived in sweats cause I was gaining weight because I wasn't taking care of myself. I rarely even put my contacts in. I was a hot mess. Exhausted. Cranky. Sloppy. All for the sake of a happy baby... who was not all that happy. I envied the moms that had their shit together... no I'm lying I couldn't stand them. I was so in love with Aidan that I completely forgot about me. And the more I let myself go the unhappier I was. Even now I look back at pictures from that time and think who is that girl... I feel bad for her. I really needed someone to step in and say... stop. Take a breather. Take care of you. So first time mom or mom to be I am telling you... take care of yourself because the only way you can ever give your kids 100% is if you give it to yourself too.
And finally RELAX! Your baby hasn't smiled and your friends baby who is a month younger has? Relax... your baby will too. In their own time. Not walking? Talking? Relax. It will happen when they are ready. Terrified of vaccinations and their side effects... relax! Talk to your doctor and get off Google. Stressed about breast or bottle feeding? Relax. Both are good and will sustain all of your baby's nutritional needs. Cloth or disposable diapers? Relax. No one gives a shit which you choose. Not even your baby. Dying for a hot shower and a few minutes alone. Relax. Call your mother or a friend they will be happy to come take over for a little bit. Then go enjoy. Because it does go really fast.
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