There are a few things that I know with a fair amount of certainty... I am good at. Big things. I am good at being a mom. My kids watch TV, eat inorganic foods, occasionally drink soda, and have a favorite curse word or two... yet I don't question my parenting. I am a good mom.
Little things... I can draw really well. If you ask my son I am the best at making bubble letters and cartoon super heroes. I am good at face paint. If you want to be red skull next Halloween I am you girl. Not to mention I don't suck at writing. Although I know how to I refuse to use proper grammar especially for my blog posts because I just feel like text book punctuation does not suit me. But grammar aside I can tell a good story and funny... I have got funny nailed. When I am in the mood I can be a riot.
So there they are... my strong points. So what am I not good at? Money. That's a big one. I live in a state of perpetual broke-ness. Not because my husband doesn't make good money. He actually does really well. I just have a habit of spending it. I am a shameless label whore that can not comprehend the meaning of a budget. Well that is not true... I know what a budget is just not how it should apply to me. The number attached to our bank account rarely influences my decision to purchase something and that seems to be a problem.
My other down fall (and the one that is bothering me most lately)... friendships. I have a really hard time maintaining them. Which some what defies logic. I have all the qualities of a good friend. I am honest. Which when I am friends with someone it is the one thing that they adore, even admire about me... until I am honest with them. I am not that girl that can pretend that something is okay with me when it is not. And as it turns out honesty is not the best quality. In fact most people like being liked lied to... especially when the question is something like "Are you mad at me?" or "did I do something wrong?" First of all I firmly believe that if you are even asking those questions than you already know that the answer is yes... to both. But no one wants to hear that. Those kinds of questions are asked with the hope that you will suck it up and lie for the sake of skipping a really uncomfortable conversation. Two unfortunate things for my friends I will be honest with you... no matter what... and two I don't mind awkward conversations. I actually prefer them over fake friendships.
I am loyal. Loyal to a fault. I will stand by even if you are wrong or what you are doing doesn't make any sense to me. If you believe in it and need someone there for you... well than you can count on me. I will even make excuses for you so that I can remain loyal... until you do something so entirely shitful that I can't overlook it, ignore it, or explain it away. And in that case I am the very opposite of loyal.
I am kind and generous. I will go the extra mile for a stranger so you can just imagine what I would do for a friend... the problem with that? Not even that I expect the same in return but I do expect people at the very least to be decent and thoughtful which is apparently an impossibly high standard. I am constantly disappointed by the actions of others.
But I think my inability to maintain meaningful friendships stems from two things my very low tolerance for bullshit and my zero tolerance for lies... even little white ones. And so I have a very small ever dwindling circle of friends which recently got much smaller. Admittedly there are times that it makes me sad. I don't fit in and for the most part I don't want to but I do wish in part that I could let things go for my own sake. Maybe life would be easier if I didn't get so invested. But for me there is no in between... I am either 100% in or completely out. In the end I would rather be real all alone than choking on the fakeness in a group of girls that just don't get me.
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