Then there are all of the poorly run town festivities. Spooky woods. Haunted high school. Trunk or treat. The frigging ragamuffin parade followed by pick your own pumpkin... otherwise known as watch greedy parents trample small children for free pumpkins. I. Can't. Deal. And yet I am forced to attend at least one of these shit shows where I will inevitably run into some "townie" that I'd rather not while one of my kids has a melt down because the lines are too long or its too cold. Dark. Scary. Whatever the case I will be in the middle of pealing a child off the floor as I run into someone I graduated middle school with and honestly bobbing for apples in a germ infested bucket seems like a better option than the monotonous conversation I am about to partake in about the weather. Their kids. And what so and so is up to.
Then there is the torture of going to "Halloween Adventure" or something of the likes to pick out an over priced costume that no one will want to wear when the day finally arrives. Why would they not want to wear their $60 costume? Why? Because they have been wearing it since the day we bought it and losing a piece of it everyday until it is down to just a black leotard and you might as well through skates over their shoulder and say they are part of the men's figure skating performance team. I know your thinking why not just wait to buy the costume then? Because the closer it gets to Halloween the more chaotic those stores get. Looking like they were ransacked by ghouls or cross dressers. Rainbow wigs and Freddy hands strewn about the store and not one decent costume left in any reasonable size. Been there. Done that. I'll make them wear the black leotard of Halloween shame I purchased for too much money before I go to that store anywhere close to October 31st.
Then comes the actual day. Halloween. Now they need some elaborate face paint because they don't really have a costume anymore unless they are cat burglars or male figure skaters... face paint that they will smudge and cry about 5 minutes after you are done perfecting. The tears streaming down their chubby little cheeks furthering the damage to the already fucked up make up... I find myself dragging out three miserable little people begging to go beg strangers for candy. Every year I try to bribe them with movies and popcorn and baking cookies or better yet a trip to Toys R Us... none of which are sufficient offers. We must go trick or treating.... MUST! Because... EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING. So starting on the 29th of every October for the last 5 years I begin to pray to the rain gods to just wash out the whole thing and pray the people of my town are smart enough to not reschedule the festivities! Which has actually happened. But no such luck... may prayers were heard but the rain was sent too late. Around 7 pm to be exact... when we were already headed home with a bag full of candy that I will make them part with for fear that my neighbor with the very realistic dead hooker in the coffin maybe handing out questionable goods. Alas we are home. Safe and sound with another 364 days until I have to endure this misery again.
Happy Freakin' Halloween!
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