Back to me

Every Thanksgiving, the holiday I love the most starts this downward spiral for me. I spend the next month and a half being a glutton. I over eat. I over indulge. I get lazy. In turn I get fat. For weeks on end its all cookies, and cheese, and wine and blowing cash at Toys R Us in an attempt to make my spoiled children excited about a visit from a magical fat man.

The holidays come and go and so does my motivation to live any sort of healthy life. I am that person. The one that most of social media apparently despises. The chubby girl that NEEDS some new year, new you bullshit to get my ass in gear. I make no apologies for it. Whatever illogical thoughts transpire in my brain... nothing gives me more hope than the prospect of a fresh start.

Yes January 1st is just another day on the calendar. But it is also the first page of an unwritten book. The story of my life in the year 2017. It excites me. Scares me. Makes me anxious. What will this year have in store for me. If there is a resolution to be made this is the day I'm going to lay it down. This may also be where I set myself up for failure. My goals are usually ridiculous. Completely out of touch with my reality.  I know that... and even so I am determined to make this year my year!

January 1st 2017. I sat at the table with a blank piece of paper in front of me. Written at the top... New Year Resolutions. What can I say I like to write. I tried to reflect on all the things that I was not happy about in the prior year. What could I do differently? How could I be better?

First thing on my mind is always my boys. At times I have felt like I am just blowing this whole mom thing! Some days its hard to not feel as though my oldest son is just slipping right through my grasp. He declares his hate for me almost daily. He's annoyed by pretty much everything I say to him. He rolls his eyes so hard when I talk I wonder if I will ever see anything but the whites of his eyes ever again. I often think how did we get here? Is it just the age? Is it me? Did I feel this way about my mother at his age? We get into these screaming matches that make me question my sanity. My parenting. Myself. And it is the worst feeling in the world.

Second on the list. My weight. Ugh my weight. I am so tired of being fat. So tired of being out of shape. Looking and feeling unhealthy. I am tired of dodging everyone with a camera cause I do not want photo documentation of my fat ass at various sizes. I want to be the size I was when I first thought I was fat. Which was high school. Ironically when I was my thinnest. I look at pictures of that girl and wonder where she went. Although I realize happiness is not waiting in the pocket of a smaller size pair of jeans... I am dying to get in them.

Those were the two big ones among a long list.... Work more on building my business. Save money. Consistently write my blog. Be more involved in charity work....

Notice there is nothing in there about my marriage. Well that's because I am the perfect wife. Just don't ask my husband to confirm that.

Anyway staring at this list of overwhelming things I decided to make one simple resolution.

BE BETTER.

That's it. Just. BE. BETTER. No new year new me. I have reached that point in my life where I realized I have worked really hard to get here and I am most of the time content with my life. I don't want to scrap it all and start over. I just want to be better. A better mother, a better wife, a better friend. I want to be healthy and present. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. I think that is what we all want.

How do I get to that... I am not entirely sure. But I am working on small changes. Little attainable goals. Like yelling less. Listening more. Taking care of my neglected body and not by doing some radical diet but making better choices and moving more. Really just getting back to me. At the end of this year I want to be able to look back and instead wondering where that 18 year old version of myself went I want to feel like she is still part of me! So maybe the only way to be better is to seriously get BACK. TO. ME.

Before you go... leave a comment and tell me what your goals are for this year!
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