Baby Fever

What is baby fever? I've heard it described as the inexplicable unrelenting desire to have a baby. I would have named it OCBP Obsessive Compulsive Baby Psychosis. It's not just a desire it is something I literally ache for. I can feel it through every part of the me. I crave a baby. Like an addict craves his next fix. I crave a baby. 

I crave the sweetness that only something so fresh from heaven could possess. I crave the touch of the softest most delicate skin. I crave the scent of a baby's breath... the dreamy look in their milk drunk eyes. My arms ache to carry the weight of a newborn. To hold a baby close to my chest and feel their heart beat in sync with mine. My legs want to pace the floors in the wee hours of the morning while I hum lullabies. I long to lock eyes with ones that resemble mine.

I obsess day and night about my age, finances, how a baby could factor into them. I try to reason with myself. Make endless lists of pros and cons. And whatever sense it all does or doesn't make... in the end I still crave a baby.

I went to see my friends new baby the other day. The cutest little peanut. All snug in his swaddle and rocker. I sat there staring at him in all his perfectness. His mom asked if I'd like to hold him... and although every part of me was screaming yes... I declined. Because I don't want to hold your baby... I want to steal your baby. (kidding... mostly) A few minutes even an hour wouldn't be enough to get my fix and the only thing it can do is bring to the surface my compulsion to make a baby for myself. I realize how fucking crazy I sound which is where the psychosis comes in.

Saying I have baby fever... sounds like something that will pass. Like it is something that is temporarily plaguing me. What I have feels much more like OCBP... an unrelenting desire to have baby... that is not going away or not any time soon anyway.

Raising my children has easily been the best years of my life and they are from over as my littlest is not even two yet. Its just all going so fast I can feel it slipping away... with each passing day. Every milestone is a reminder that all these firsts will also be the last and I can not wrap my head around not basking in the joy of these lazy days that hold endless possibilities.