No time for me time

Today was the first day in years that I went out for an entire day all by myself. I mean completely alone. No kids. No baby. No diaper bag. I didn't even bring wipes with me?! I almost felt naked! I had Aidan when I was 25. I am now 33... almost (cringe) 34. Since Aidan I haven't really done anything for just myself. Sure from time to time I will go for a hair cut... maybe a mani/pedi... once in a blue moon a massage. Which I will add I almost always go into a coma and wake up to a puddle of drool on the floor and its sadly not even because the massage is so good or the table is so comfortable or the music is so soothing. It's quiet! And if there is anything I miss it is the sound of nothing.

So today I left my house around 10:30 and did not come back until after 6:00! Unheard of! Especially for me I feel like I have been breastfeeding for years and therefore always have a child attached to me literally. The most I usually go out solo for is 2-4 hours and that is really a stretch. My days typically revolve around the kids. Pick ups and drop offs. Homework and dinner. Bedtime and baths. And of course what ever fun we can squeeze into a day.

I love it... most days. Like 99.8 percent of the time I don't even think about it. I wake up. If I am lucky get to drink a hot cup of coffee and the rest of the day I am on auto pilot tending to one thing or another. Recently I started to try and exercise while Rylan is napping. Which I did for about a week then I started to feel guilty that the few hours that Ry naps is usually the time I give to just Seark. It is the only short period of time that he doesn't have to share me with anyone else. Ry is in the crib. Aidan is at school. From 11-2 is the time that me and my little buddy play a board game without Ry trying to knock it over and eat the pieces. Do an art project with out an extra tiny hand dumping the paint or coloring the dogs. We eat lunch at the table and chat about wrestlers and Doc McStuffins and I thoroughly enjoy that time that I have with just Seark. But I really would like to exercise. So instead I squeeze it in if I am lucky after the kids are in bed. And the house has been straightened up. The dogs have been let out. The school clothes are laid out for tomorrow. Snacks are packed away... and who am I kidding by the time all of that is done all I really want to do it take a hot bubble bath or watch "The Good Wife" on my DVR.

The weekends are easier because my husband is home. I get up a little earlier and cook breakfast... like a real breakfast on the weekend. Before anyone else is up I have eggs and pancakes and bacon ready and the table set. We all eat together talk about the week or what we have planned for the day. One by one they all slip away from the table and I  am left to clean up the mess. I get done just in time to put Rylan down for his nap. Today is the day I will exercise. Jason is home he can play with the kids... but he needs to go get a hair cut. And maybe get the car washed. He has a few work calls to make and he will probably doze off on the couch... and there is no time for me today but that's okay there is always tomorrow or maybe tonight... or not.

The day flies by and before I know it dinner needs to be made. The house has to be cleaned again. The kids need a bath and bedtime story. And just like that another day is done and I haven't made any time for me. The other night I swore I was going to go to Ulta alone... cause you know that Ulta is my happy place and retail therapy can do wonders. I daydreamed about starbucks and just listening to the radio without turning it down to say " what is going on back there" browsing the newest make up lines for the spring and just being out of the house alone. So I make sure that everyone is fed and bathed and the homework is done early. Of course tonight Ry is not feeling well and I cant leave him when he wants just me. So what I will go tomorrow. There is always tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I forgot I promised Aidan that he could have a friend over. But I am determined to make this work. And I do. 7 rolls around and I am ready to go. But Seark is hysterical because I am leaving and is begging for me to take him too. I know that if I leave him home he will be just fine but alone time isn't so much fun when you know that there is a sweet little three year old standing at the door in hysterics because you are leaving. I take Seark with me.

On the way home from Ulta Seark falls asleep in the back seat. Its quiet. And dark. And I start thinking about all of the things that I don't do for me. I cant tell you the last time I read an adult book. Had a conversation on the phone with out sounding like I have turrets. Slept a full 8 hours. Exercised. Anything. Something. And then came the opportunity to take this make up training class. First question I asked when and what time. Sunday 11-6. First thought... there is no way that can happen. What if Ry wants to nurse? What if Jason has things to do. Maybe my mom can watch them... maybe I just wont go. By the time I leave and get home including driving time I will be out of the house for over 8 hours. I laughed at the thought alone.

But it didn't feel so funny I  started to think about all of things I never do or ever even think about doing because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else. I don't want to disrupt a schedule or ask anyone to help. I have let go of so many of the things I love... so many little pieces of me... to do for everyone else. Which I don't mind... but is this the way it is supposed to be? And what happens when the kids are grown and don't need me the way they do now? Will I even know who I am? I love being a stay at home but do I want my entire identity to wrapped up in the title of suburban house wife?! So I decided to go to the class. Learn more about what I love to do and how it could benefit me... and ya know what it may have only been a few hours but they were glorious. Not because the class was so interesting (although it was good) but because I felt like just me... not the mom of three... or Jason's wife... I felt like Jena... and I haven't felt like that in a really long time.

I came home and Ry was waiting at the door. I got out of the car and saw that big smile spread across his face and was reminded that although today felt great there is really no place I would rather be... but home with my family. I just have to remember from time to time that I am worth the time too.