Because I miss you

This morning I watched my boys rolling around on the floor. Giggling. Amused by nothing more than the mere company of one another. They would get quiet. Look at each other. Break out into sweet innocent pure joyous laughter. Brothers. Best friends in the simplest form.

Their silliness and easy love makes me nostalgic. Because before me there was him. So when I came all I ever knew was us and since he was so little as far he can remember there was no time before me. So close people would mistake us for twins. The sun is shining out side and as laughter fills the morning air I am taken back to those long summer nights. Catching fire flies and getting eaten alive by mosquitos. Denim shorts. Jelly shoes. And Ice cold pools. Hours spent of me as Marco and him Polo as endless summer days went by. He was my best friend... only I didn't know it. Then he was just my brother.

As this day lingers on I watch the snow in the front yard melt and I can almost picture him throwing a snowball at me dressed like the little brother from "A Christmas Story" ( and yes I realize that is the second time I referenced that movie this week) He always liked to be outdoors. Climbing the cherry that Grandpa built for him or making mud pies. I liked being with him.

I take my kids for a walk and we pass the park me and him used to play in. I stop to let the boys play and watch them chase each other. I wonder if they know they are already best friends.

The rest of the day I can't stop thinking about my brother. The lives we had that were once so intertwined now so separate. The secrets that only we used to share have all been told or long forgotten. He only lives steps away but it sometimes seems hard to bridge the distance. Somewhere between college and life. Marriages and mortgages. Babies and bullshit... we grew up and apart. We started our own lives independent of one another. Somehow along the way although he is still my brother I lost my best friend... before I realized that is what he was.

Awkward etiquette and phone calls replaced casual drop ins. Little slights and petty fights. Turned what once were shared whispers into silence.   And silence can be the hardest thing to break when you are afraid of the damage you know words can do. We stayed silent and separate and grew further apart. I lost my best friend... maybe forever. Which is a very strange place when he is still your brother.

We learned to navigate this uncertain territory. Somewhere between life and here... marriages and mortgages... babies and bullshit... we became friends again. We let go of the little slights and petty fights. Chose our words carefully so we could be... friends.

So I watch my boys play. Enjoy each others company just for what it is and I pray that they have the wisdom to know they have already found their best friend. I contemplate explaining it them. Older and wiser I know these things can't be taught. So I just pray that these silly boys... are not ever just brothers... I hope they can keep the best in front of friends and never have to miss what they once had.